Wednesday, March 30, 2011

My Little Werewolf (?)

My daughter is:


But tonight she turned into a werewolf (I think... I just realized that I didn't really ask her). 
A pink chalked, Tiana pajama wearing, much less hairy than normal, much more friendly than I would have thought werewolf.  

So then she took her 3rd shower/bath of the day and went to bed!

Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Where's My Baby?

I am 25.  25.  That's it. 

I got pregnant at 17 and it took absolutely no trying.  Obviously at an unmarried 17, I was not doing what I should have been doing to get pregnant.  My ideas and beliefs have completely changed and I wouldn't ever trade a minute of it.  Ever. 

So now I am ready... Where's My Baby?

We have been trying fairly regularly (ok so we don't try every single night or anything- but we are trying) for about 1 1/2 years and before that off and on for a couple of years.  When you only have your cycle 2 times a year it's pretty hard to schedule anything. 

But we've been trying for sooo long... Where's My Baby?

Our daughter has been asking for a sibling, literally, for about 5 years (since she was a little over 2).  She is extremely nurturing, loving, responsible, fun, lovable and happy- except for when she comes to me or her dad crying her beautiful blue eyes out because she doesn't have a brother or sister.  When she says this to me and even when she doesn't say it but I can see it in her face I feel like the absolute worst mother in the entire world and all I can do is apologize and ask her to keep waiting.  It's all I can do to not join her with tears of my own.  Extreme, you think?  Not to me. 

Our innocent daughter has be waiting for what must seem like forever... Where's My Baby?

To me getting pregnant and birthing a baby is probably the most natural, innate thing in the world.  It makes a woman a woman

I am a woman... Where's My Baby?

In the past 4 months, I have personally known and have had to hear about at least 5 people who got their baby (not counting people I've known but not personally)... many without trying and many without even wanting.  I love hearing about it... I really do... I love babies and I loved being pregnant and I'm happy for them... really I am.  But it has been such a struggle especially with the ones who have not wanted for me to not be extremely bitter and jealous.  I worked in the dorm room at an adoption agency with the pregnant moms who were placing their babies.  Obviously none of them planned their pregnancies.  None of them tried.  Some were on their 3rd, 4th or 5th pregnancy.  Some were 12 and some were 35.  I loved the girls and their hearts... what a horrible struggle for them... I cannot imagine. 

But my heart aches for one... Where's My Baby?

I understand that I have an amazing daughter and words cannot express how blessed I am by her but why can I not bless her with someone who she can (hopefully) always turn to... someone who will always know what it was like to grow up with us for parents... someone who will (again hopefully) be there after we die to cry with... someone to have be an aunt or uncle to her kids... someone to be a parent with. 

Where's My Baby?

It is so easy to be bitter and jealous and angry.  Too easy.  And no one who has not been here can ever understand.  I don't think ever.  And I didn't before.  It's not an easy thing to talk about unless you are talking with another woman who probably also feels like less... much less... of a woman.   I don't want sympathy and I definitely do not want to hear that things happen for a reason... I know, but I also know that those are never helpful words for someone who is grieving.  I definitely do not want to hear that I am only 25 and have plenty of time... I know, but I also know that my daughter is getting older and the window for sibling bonding is most likely shutting a little more every day which is why you had your kids only a couple of years apart.  I definitely do not want to hear that I am blessed to have one child... I know, I really know, but I also know that you could have no idea how I feel when your heart is complete with the number of different goodnight kisses you give or with the number of lunches you have to pack for the park picnic or with the number of plates you set at the table.  Please no sympathy and there are few words that will not leave me wanting to share my feelings less and less often.  I feel guilty.  I feel like my body is a failure.  That I have failed my body.  That I am failing my husband and my daughter.  That in turn I am even failing God.  Failing Him by not taking better care of my body... failing Him by not being satisfied enough with my daughter... failing Him by becoming so easily bitter, jealous and angry... failing Him by not trusting Him... failing Him by not always trusting that it will all work for His glory or that He knows the best for my life.       


The hope I have can only come from Him.  No one or no thing can I ever put my trust in.  Ever.  So when I cry or rather bawl my eyes out He is the only one there for me, who I imagine is crying with me. 

So I wait.  I will wait.  I will wait.  And I will wait longer.   

We are working towards fostering to adopt.  Waiting.  I like to think that I haven't had any more children because My Baby is also waiting for me.  Waiting.  Waiting for a mommy and daddy, which might just be worse than my waiting.  I know it's worse.  We wouldn't be adopting right now if we had had another baby so maybe that's the answer. 

And so I will wait for My Baby and just maybe My Baby is waiting for me.  

Sunday, March 27, 2011

No Fear of Bad News

So tonight on my way home from dropping off my sweet little sister a thought popped in my head... first I would like to say that I am a driver.  I could drive all day and all night.  I often get caught up in my thoughts while driving and completely miss my exits.  I have often thought of being a professional truck driver which really cracks me up.  I love driving except for when I hate it... another thing about me is my extremeness.  My point being that when I drive I think... usually alot.  So back to my thought/realization...

There has been some serious doubting in my head lately and tonight, out of nowhere, it was as clear as it could be that it is coming from the devil.  He wants to make me doubt myself, God, my family and my beliefs.  You might think I'm crazy but that's where I believe alot of our self-doubting and Jesus-doubting and negativity comes from. 

We are working towards fostering to adopt.  The process is long... soo much longer than I would like but hopefully not too much longer.  Here is what has been going through my head and hurting my heart lately:

Do you not see how dysfunctional your family is? 
How could you ever even think that your home is somewhere to raise any children? 
Your family is not a good example for any child.
And you want to bring another one in?
Your house is nowhere near what it should be.
You will just screw up that child in your own way.
You cannot even handle what you have now.

Even just reading those makes me sad.  My family is not perfect.  We are not the picture perfect Christian family at all.  We each have our quirks and we each know how to push eachother's buttons.  But, we have so much love.  So much to give.  I dream about being able to love another child as much as I love K.  I dream about my husband being the best father figure any child will/might have.  I dream about showing my kids (bio/foster/adopted) what a mother's unconditional love looks like.  I dream about laughing, crying, playing, learning, coloring, cooking, swimming, making messes, cleaning up messes, smiling and sharing our family's love for God with any children in our home.  I believe that we are pretty good parents and I believe that we are meant to do this.  It is so easy for me to envision more kids in my house for me to love, teach, mentor, care for and discipline (maybe that one sounds funny but I don't believe there are any children anywhere who need to live without rules, after all who wants to be around an adult who grew up with no boundaries- not me!).   

The thoughts that creep into my head are not from my heart or my even head really.  I thought that they were coming from some deep part inside of me to warn me or show me something but all they do is cause me to stress out, pick fights with my husband and doubt our family's love and strong, committed bond.  I will no longer let those thoughts occupy more than half a second in my head.  

Throughout this whole process we have had a crazy amount of little (and big) miracles happen.  I wish I would have written them down so I would never forget.  Even with them though I realize how strong my humanness is- my fear, my insecurities, my doubts, my worry.  An amazing verse that was found amazingly is one that I am telling myself many times daily and is definitely one of the things that has kept me going. 

"He will have no fear of bad news; his heart is fixed, for his hope is in the Lord."  Psalm 112:7 

I still work on trusting in God that this will happen for our family and if it doesn't I am trusting that He has something better and more glorifying (for Him) for us and that He will mend our broken hearts, especially the heart of our daughter who cannot wait for siblings.    

Friday, March 25, 2011

Homeschool Journal #1

This is a "meme", and I have no idea what that means.  I'll look it up right now... it means a unit of social information and it sounds like gene.  So this one is about homeschooling obviously and it's with a bunch of other homeschooling mom bloggers.  It goes on every week and this is part of what I think will be a great memory keeper. 

In my life this week...  I started blogging.  YAY!  I worked on getting organized but have wayyy more to do. 

In our homeschool this week...  we found a great new grammar book with the Little Critters (you know the children's books with the little porcupines... I guess they are).  Kassidy is liking the book and seems to be learning from it!

My favorite thing this week was...  blogging and reading other amazing women's blogs!  Can you tell I'm excited about blogging?!?!

What's working/not working for us...  What's not working is that we aren't working as much as we should which is completely my fault.  Often I feel like she might be behind in school but then I realize that we are working 1 grade higher in grammar and we are working 1-1/2 grades higher in math... so I just have to let it go and try to do more every day.

Homeschool questions/thoughts I have...  When will this school year be overrrrr?!?!?!

A photo, video, link, or quote to share...  I heard this on the radio from Kirk Cameron's wife who heard it from someone else: "I'm not who I could be, I'm not who I should be, but I'm not who I was."

Perfect Domino Line + A Bomb = The Big Bang Theory

I cannot even think about this without laughing hysterically in my head or outloud walking around Walmart (as I did when I first heard it)... Yes, I am the one who walks around stores with a huge smile trying not to burst out laughing. That is when I don't walk around looking and feeling completely worn out. 

Sooo... you are probably wondering what on earth the title means!  Here's the background:  I listen to a Christian music channel about 75% of the time on the radio.  It's great!  It keeps me focused on God and is awesome for Kassidy to hear.  Even when I think she is off in her own little world in the backseat she will randomly spout off a line from a song or commercial ad (good or bad) so I don't even let the bad be in the car.  About 2% of the time I will listen to a song on the classical rock station and 1% some country.  The other 22% of the time I listen to Christian talk radio.  Sometimes that is not appropriate for K so I don't always get to listen when she's in the car.  You should definitely listen to those stations... great speakers, preachers, testimonies, words of wisdom, etc!   

A preacher that I love but never seem to catch his name was on and he's awesome... funny, knowledgable, etc, etc, etc.  He was talking about the reasons why you can't deny that there is a God. 
He was saying how there are millions of little circumstances that tweaked the slightest bit would make our existence impossible... 
like our oxygen levels....
like how close the Earth is to the Sun...
like how fast our world spins.
Then he said... here it is...  

No one would walk down into their basement, see a million dominos lined up perfectly and exclaim, "What bomb went off down here!?!?!"  

HAHAHAHA!!  You probably are thinking that I am absolutely crazy but I think am sitting here laughing.  This cracks me up!!  I hope you are also laughing hysterically or at least maybe chuckling inside!  I think it is the best way to think of the Big Bang theory.  Read it again:

No one would walk down into their basement, see a million dominos lined up perfectly and exclaim, "What bomb went off down here!?!?!"  

God does exist and he is beyond amazing!!  Share this story with someone else especially if you think it's as funny/intersting... hopefully with someone who is doubting or completely unbelieving. 

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

A Little TOOO Much

I am feeling completely overwhelmed with all of the things that I have signed up for as a family and individually. 

Busy day today with a sick husband, Woman's Bible study, playgroup after that and super-behind coupon cutting.  I did get a break when I gardened for about an hour, which was really needed in order for my veggies/fruits to grow & produce lots (please!)  Registered for Mike's fingerprints while realizing that I forgot to find that stupid cd we borrowed from the library 6 weeks ago (it's somewhere in my car!!)  and on that- why can it never be a cd that I would actually enjoy having if I'm going to have to buy it?!?!  Also, I forgot to make an appt for my physical (the fingerprints and the physical are basically the last 2 things needed to be done besides paperwork & some errands before we can have our homestudy scheduled!!!)
I was actually honored (or maybe a little insulted... I'm not sure yet) to be asked if I wanted to do a discipleship study with an awesome woman from church, which would mean us getting together every week.  I really, really want to do this except for now I am thinking when?!?!  When do I have an extra couple hours every week and the energy to do this?  I will.  I need to.  It will be great I know it.  I was really, really, really wanting Mike to be asked by her husband... hahaha... he's the one who needs more discipleship training right?!?!  The couple gave their testimony at church a couple of months ago and shared how someone had mentored them & now they do it for other people. 

Then I was asked if I would like to work in the nursery for a couple hours every Wed.  I said yes, of course, and am happy that I did.  She asked if I could work today & already feeling overwhelmed for the day I said no, which I was also happy that I did... since "no" is a skill I am working on continuously.  

My homeschooling friends from church have decided to start a small hs group & after making a financial plan the other night & realizing that there is no extra I had no idea where I would pull money from to pay for it even though it is not much & I'm really excited about it (but again another thing to add to my list).  So guess what!!  God is sooo good!  Always!  The money from the little job is exactly how much I need... exactly... for the hs group!  Again, God is so good! 

All in the same day, he brought me good news- about the hs group.  I wasn't sure where I would get the money.  Then, he showed me that he always provides- the little job at church which pays exactly what I need!  He also provided a hs group for us that sounds great & I do not have to organize it!!!  What a relief!  How amazing is that!?!?!  (tears are running down my cheeks)

I guess my bottom line is that I need to get more organized if I am going to take on the things that matter to me.  I need to think about what I'm committing to & prioritize better. 

Sometimes, actually quite often, I feel like staying in my comfy cozy little home with Kassidy & Mike (some alone time would be awesome too). 

I don't want to socialize. 

I don't want to say yes to everything people ask of me. 

I don't want to have to be anywhere at a specific time.

I don't want to be asked or feel like I need to commit to anything. 

I don't want to do anything but spend quality time loving God, my husband, my daughter, some family, some friends & myself. 
No committments, no stress, no appointments, no worries... how wrong is that? 
Maybe I can squeeze a few hours of that in every once in a while! 


Thursday, March 17, 2011

We Are All Meant To Shine

So I decided to start blogging.  I have recently found a few blogs that I absolutely love and have spent wayyy to much time late at night reading tons of their posts.  There is so much going on in my family's life right now and hopefully blogging with be both theraputic and a great way to save memories.  I was thinking last night about what to call my blog... something catchy (not that mine really is but maybe it's totally not un-catchy) and something that has meaning to me.  Well here is it... an A-mazing poem or excerpt I really think from her book A Return to Love.  Ahhh... this is probably my absolute favorite ever probably because for me I think it is completely spot on with how I feel/act.
Our Deepest Fear

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light, not out darkness
That most frightens us.

We ask ourselves
Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?
Actually, who are you not to be?
You are a child of God.

Your playing small
Does not serve the world. 
There's nothing enlightened about shrinking
So that other people won't feel insecure around you.

We are all meant to shine,
As children do.
We were born to make manifest
The glory of God that is within us.

It's not just in some of us;
It's in everyone.

And as we let our own light shine,
We unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.
As we're liberated from our own fear,
Our presence automatically liberates others.

By Marianne Williamson

Who Are You Not To Be???

So profound to me.  I am a child of God and my playing small does not serve the world but so often I do shrink... because I'm self-conscious... because I feel like I might stand out too much if I act the way I feel like I should act as a child of God who is supposed to change the world or even change my world... fear, fear, fear.  I've been meaning to print this poem out and frame it... maybe tomorrow :)