God Keeps Breaking Me...

and my love for people.  I am a trusting, honest, wear my heart on my sleeve (most of the time) kind of girl who gets attached to people way to quickly.  Attached meaning I think often of people I have known, whether for a short time or for years, and wonder how they are and what their life is becoming. 

 

I don't really think the attached thing is a good thing.  Maybe that's why I facebook stalk?!?!  Just kidding.  Ok, I'm not.  :)

 

At work yesterday, my heart was broken again because of my easy, quick, attached love for people.  It really is a long, stupid story that probably would mean nothing to most people, but I sat at work for 4 hours on the verge of tears the entire time.  When I first got to work, I had to go to the bathroom and cry and when I left work I cried on the way home.  Basically, one woman, who was my favorite, stabbed me in the back. 

 

I was shocked.  I have said that my job bottom line stinks major big time, but the people made up for it.  I loved the people I worked with.  They made it ok.

 

But, God broke me in that department... again. 

 

Do I think it is wrong to love people?  Absolutely the opposite.  We are commanded to love our brothers and sisters. 

 

Do I think it is wrong to trust people automatically?  Maybe.  I never want to be an untrusting person, who doubts everyone.  I want to trust, but really I need to learn (again and again it seems) that I can only trust God.  He is the only one I can ever fully depend on or expect to be honest. 

 

Do I think it is wrong to get attached to people?  Probaby in the way I do.  I mean I'm not crazy, hahaha, but I really think that I invest too much of my heart into people when I shouldn't be.

 

My whole life I have had relationships break my heart, because we are flawed people.  We are not perfect so our relationships are not.  Our actions and words are not, but God's are. 

 

God is the one who is always there for us.  God is the one who always loves us.  God is the one who never stabs us in the back.  God is the one I should be working toward impressing, loving fully, living for and working for. 

 

So until I get this right in my life, I'm pretty sure He will keep breaking me for Him.


Is there something that God continues to break you of so you strengthen your relationship with Him?

Constant Belief Teaching & Santorum News

My husband's uncle and I are friends on Facebook.  We don't really talk, but sometimes I comment on a post he made and vice versa.  He, surprisingly, is a very, very strong supporter of Democrats and Obama.  I am not.  At all.  I really, really wanted Santorum to not only win the Republican nomination, but to also sweep Obama off his feet!!

So today, my husband's uncle posted more super negative, ignorant posts about Republicans, Santorum and God.  I read these from him all of the time and honestly think that he can have his opinions and obviously they are not mine, but whatever.  Today, I just couldn't leave it alone.  It felt wrong for me to sit and read these things (it was really the God comments that got to me) and not respond.  So I did.  And it turned into a little bit of a war between me and several other unbelievably crazy ignorant people that he is friends with.  I didn't want it to and eventually dropped most of my points, but what shocked me was what one man said (by the way, not one person agreed with me, lol). 

This man said that he was sure my parents forced their beliefs on me.  He said that he would never force his beliefs on his children and was happy that Mike's uncle wasn't either.   

My response (most of it): "My parents actually did not influence me very much religiously. My mom raised us catholic, but was married to an atheist and my bio-father is really not much of anything. But I do think that it is COMPLETE BS (side note: I cannot believe I said this!  I never say this word and never even say BS) to say that you wont influence your children to believe anything!! You teach your child beliefs. All day, every day. Your beliefs and my beliefs are obviously different. Hopefully you have some of the same beliefs like 1+1=2, that you spell cat c-a-t, and that slapping people in the face for no reason is wrong. those are beliefs and I hope your children are learning them. My beliefs as a Christian are my beliefs. If my daughter wants to grow up and think you spell cat c-o-t, whatever. She is allowed to believe that, even it is wrong, just like you can believe what you want to believe even if it is wrong."

I just cannot believe that someone would think that they are not basically shoving their beliefs down their child's throat every single day, whether for good or bad.  Whether you believe in God or not, whether you believe being gay is right or wrong, whether you are gay or straight, whether you believe Jesus is your savior or you believe in Budha, whether you think public schools are best or homeschooling is best for your family, whether you believe that war can be justified or you are a complete passifist.  We all put our beliefs on our children and to say that we will not push our religious beliefs on our children is 1) wrong, because even in your lacking of influence you are influencing and 2) lazy- my husband and I don't always have the answers, but we try to find them or work around it.  Not having all the answers forces me to learn more, just like with homeschooling.  It would be so much easier to just "ignore" things and not try to educate our daughter, but that doesn't make it the right or best thing. 

In a later comment, I also said, "in the end, hopefully, you are an open-minded and loving enough parent to be ok with their decisions to believe what they want, but, it is ridiculous to say that you dont raise your children with your beliefs."

I am not one to get into arguments or debates... I hate confrontation, but I also hate when people speak about things they don't really know.  The preggo hormones might have had a little something to do with me finally speaking my peice also... I've kind of been in the need of a good debate/fight and better to not start one with my husband :)

What do you think??  Do you try to stay neutral in topics like religion with your kids or do you "force" your beliefs on your children?

Why I Almost Hated Easter

Saturday night I watched The Passion.  I'm a super emotional person in general and watch out with these pregnancy hormones I've been having lately!!!  Sooo... I basically cried the whole entire movie and it really almost ruined Easter for me, forever.

I was completely disgusted and appalled that Jesus would be "allowed" to die for my sins in the way that He did.  You know he wasn't just beheaded or hung or even just crucified.  He was beaten, tortured and humiliated over and over and over.  At church on Sunday, the pastor said that Jesus did not even resemble a man anymore.  He was more like the carcasses or roadkill you see on the side of the road where you aren't really sure what you are looking at... all you know is it was some kind of animal.  How gross and heartbreaking is that??!!

During the whole movie, I was almost mad at God.  I mean He was the guy who set this whole "savior" thing up.  He decided that in order for us to be saved and made clean He would have to sacrifice His only Son, His perfect Son, for us. 

It was late when the movie was over and in bed I began to pray.  It was a really low point for me, believe it or not.  I felt and still feel completely undeserving of His sacrifice.  I am sooo not worth it and neither are you.  We are such sinners, even when we are being "good".  So in my praying, I just asked God to explain to me the whole thing.  Why would He make up such a ridiculous thing?  Why would He ever think that is what should be done?

Of course, logically, I know the answers.  I understand why, probably as good as I ever will, but I still was not feeling it.  These were my answers.  I think they came from the Holy Spirit, who just rested them in my heart.  I instantly felt much more at peace.  I don't really like when people continuously say that God tells them things.  I guess that's not what I don't like.  I don't like when people use the phrase "God spoke to me" (or something similar) right before they say whatever they want just to get their way.  I try not to say that unless I truly feel like something came from the Holy Spirit and I believe this all did.  The red is from me and the blue is what I feel like I was given, from my own mind or from the Holy Spirit... take it as you will :)

"Please just explain it to me.  I don't understand why You, who has absolute control of everything chose something like that to happen."  You know I can only be surrounded by/in the company of perfection.  I want my people to be with me.  You needed a savior.  "Why did His death have to be so awful?"  It needed to be remembered.  It needed to be a big deal.  It needed to be awful so you would see the great sacrifice it was.  You needed to see how great His forgiveness is.  "We are such sinners..."  Just embrace it. 

And that is what I got.  I am so thankful that I did, because I was really upset.  I am trying to embrace my grace more.  On Sunday, the pastor also said something to the effect of "This is not about us.  We are not worthy of His sacrifice, but dwelling on that makes it about us and not Him.  He is the one who deserves the glory.  It is about Him not us."

... Dot, Dot, Dot

before the ... (dot, dot, dot) ... we got an email back from the owner of the agency.  He basically said that our CW didn't tell anyone right away because "she did not want to deter a new foster family" and that he did not feel like switching CWs was the right thing to do.  Like we could ever work with her again, right?  He also agreed that in order for us to work together anymore we would have to rebuild trust.  Do you know how he suggested we do this?!?!  By believing her.  Yes, he said that the only way we could build up trust again is if we believe her.  He also said that all future emails only need to be sent to the agency, meaning do not forward any emails to CPS.  Btw, the CPS CW who I CCed the email to has never written back.  Needless to say, we are not going to work with that agency ever again.

The email broke my heart.  Again.  I don't know what I hoped for, but what I got was not it. 

We kind of put our adoption plans on hold (for a week or two... hahah) and we just tried to reassess things.  I tried to heal.  Heal?  Yes.  I am not really sure if anyone really gets how I could be so upset by all of this.  I am upset that we no longer have Melissa.  I miss her... most of the time.  I knew she was leaving though so I was prepared for that.  I needed healing because for a while my dreams were shattered.  Our dreams as a family were shattered.  We were planning on growing our family through fostering.  We haven't been able to have any more biological children for years now due to my PCOS and because I still think it is God's plan for us to adopt.  This was how we thought we were going to have another child(ren), give our daughter a sibling(s) and be a witness for adoption.  Crushed.  Crushed.  Crushed.  To be quite honest, for the first few days after I got the reply email I was kind of upset with God.  It seemed like He also broke my heart... lead us all this way on this long journey only to dump us on the side of the road with nothing.  I still don't quite understand His plan and I'm sure I will never quite get it, but I've realized, for about the millionth time in my life, that I just need to lay it down at His feet.  I just need to give my burdened, broken heart to Him.  (I just realized that one of my all time favorite songs sings lyrics like that... see the video below)  I have to do this so many times a day... give it all to Him.  Tell Him that I really do not appreciate that things are so hard in this area, but that I love Him and will try to trust Him and somehow find a way to give Him the glory in this situation and in every situation and if He feels like making things easier or giving me some insight it would be much appreciated :)    

My God is an awesome God and guess what?!?  So is your God!  He heals the sick.  He gives to the poor.  He mends the broken.  He loves the undeserving.  He wants to take on our burdens.  He created us to be unable to carry them ourselves so that we would hopefully give them to Him and have an indescribable relationship with Him in the process.

Really Soaking In It

My husband likes the show Border Wars.  Have you seen it?  Some of it is pretty cool... the tracking they do, the crazy ways people smuggle or try to smuggle in drugs and it is awesome to see the drugs being caught before they make it over to America. 

He was watching this morning when I got up and I watched for a while with him, but like always that show makes me sad. 

The people who risk so much, who give up so much and who often lose so much just trying to make it to America make me sad and they make me really think.  Our America where we live so ungratefully.  I don't mean we are selfish or greedy... oh we ARE, but I mean we live here without very much thought of how truly blessed we are to be here.  Truly.  Truly.  Blessed.

And why?  Why us?  There is no difference between me and the woman who wore all black, paid $6,000 (for the second time) and lay curled up in a ball as far up under the dashboard on the floor of a smuggler's car so that she could get back to America to be with her 5 year old son, who is an American citizen.  We are the same.  We are all sinners, who make bad decisions and fall short every single day (and sometimes every single minute). 

I'm not here to talk about people crossing the borders and all those political border issues... that's not the point.  The point is that we are such undeserving, ungrateful, entitled, self-centered people here in America.  Wow!  Harsh.  I know!  I am totally there, too, and maybe you aren't!  If you're not, I hope to be more like you! 

It makes me sick.  It makes me want to cry.  It makes me want to do something.  What?  I don't know.  The first thing I will do is be more grateful and try to teach my daughter how undeservingly blessed we are with so many things (tangible and not), but many of those things come because we live here.  In America.  Is America perfect?  Not by a longgggg shot, but we are pretty great ;) 

Have you ever noticed that we, people from families that have been born in America for generations, lose sight that we are living the American dream.  Right now.  Us.  We get to live it without any effort at all (minus the amazing men and women who serve our country).  Who do we hear talking about the American dream?  People who are working, suffering and fighting to get here to be able to live it.  We have it, but we rarely give it any thought. 

We rarely stop and feel the blessings.  I mean really soak it all in.    

So on this 4th of July will you stop, soak all of it in and thank God for all of our blessings, for our country and for the people who are serving our country and working to make it a better place for us to live?  (And yes, I will be praying for the men and women who patrol our borders also!  America would not be anything without them.)

Biggest and Perfect... Is Coming!!

My husband is on the phone... right now... and just mentioned to his uncle how his step-sister is pregnant.  Well I did not know this.  We do not really talk to her, ever.  There is no reason why we don't- we just don't really- and none of that matters right now. 

But, do you know what came out of my mouth? 

"Lisa's pregnant?  Wow!  That's like the 30th person that I know right now who's pregnant!"  This was said with my mocking oh-she-really-needs-and-deserves-to-be-pregnant-when-I-am-not voice. 

Cruel?  Probably.  Am I used to it coming out my mouth?  Yes.  Do I really feel like it is completely unfair that yet another person I know is pregnant, without probably any trying and maybe even with trying to prevent it?  Totally. 

Am I getting over it?  Yes!  YAY!!

Because do you know what came into my head right immediately after I felt another stab of pain in my unpregnant body??  The feeling, belief, trust and hope that we were not meant to have another child yet.  We are meant to adopt.  My baby(ies) is(are) waiting for me!  Do you know how good it felt to have this washed over me?  It did and God, I know it was you!!  {wink, wink}  I wish you could see my face... how big my smile is.  How tears are rolling down my cheeks because of the joy I am feeling!  Crazy?  Totally!  Crazy in love with my God who has something bigger than my biggest dreams in the works for me!  Me!  And my family!! 

He's got something good  perfect in the works.  I don't need to feel envy, pass judgement, feel resentment or anger or anything but love.  I should be praying for the pregnant women I know and for their babies.  I also need to pray for my daughter and for our other future children.  I need to pray for all of the waiting children. 

And out of nowhere I started singing Dinah, blow your horn.  HAHA!  No idea where in the world that came from.  Dinah, won't you blow... Dinah, won't you blow... Dinah, won't you blow your horrrn! 

So I had these sequences of feelings all within maybe 30 seconds.  Has to be a God-thing.  Joy was washed over me right after I felt that nasty jealousy come.  It is a struggle, every. single. day. to not be completely angry and envious of all the pregnant women I see every day out and about.  But, I am learning and God is working with me to stop.  Stop and realize that He has (the) biggest (plans) and (utter) perfect(ion) for us.  :) 

He has biggest and perfect for your life, too! 

Would I Deny Him?

I have often wondered that question.  Maybe it started with the Columbine shootings. 

I have never wondered if I would deny believing in Him for real, but sometimes it is hard for me to see the point of saying you believe only to be shot, thrown in prison, etc.  Why?  Because what good are you dead?  Who can you serve then?  Who can you witness to?  While I absolutely admire people who have "stayed strong" (ok, so I kind of think they made a bad choice... gasp!) I do not want to be like them.  I never want to be in that situation, of course for the obvious, but also because I do not know what I would do.  My questioning does not come from wanting to live or live outside of prison walls.  It comes because I do not see much, if any, point to dying that way when you are going to be almost the opposite of a good witness.   

Who were they serving when they died?  Afterwards, did anyone say "Hey I think this following Jesus thing looks pretty good.  I think I might give it a try!"?  I doubt it.  I wouldn't have.  I would have thought something more like "Wow that whole Jesus thing got him killed/imprisoned!  That is not something that I am interested in!" 

And just so you know I am talking about gun-to-your-head-if-you-say-yes-you-are-shot kind of senario.  I absolutely support dying for Jesus.  There is a huge difference.  Huge.  Doing His work, which is usually messy and often dangerous, and dying while serving others and Him is beyond admirable and I would like to think that I would never back down in those situations.  But the gun-to-your-head one is different.  At least to me.  

I do think there is a time and place for being a witness in prisons and I could see a little more easily not denying Jesus if it were to lead to prison.  You could witness to the other prisoners or the guards.  But again... would that be something you would want to follow?   

Our goal is to lead people to Christ.  As many as possible.  And what is the easiest way to lead people?  By leading by example and by showing and sharing how your life is amazing because you have Him in your life.  Is that ever accomplished by answering yes so that you can be shot and killed?  I don't know.  God knows our hearts.  And while God knows that our hearts are completely full of sin He also knows what we think of Him.  He knows how much we value our relationship.  He knows if we believe or don't.  If we love Him, honor Him and believe that Jesus died for our sins but said no and were shot anyways I do not believe we would go to Hell.  There is debate about whether you can lose your salvation and as Christians we believe that you cannot.  I looked up verses about denying Jesus and Matt 10:33 says "But whoever disowns me before others, I will disown before my Father in heaven."  Does this refer to this situation?  I'm not sure.  But if He knows our heart and if we use our life to bring others to Him then should we say yes?  I'm still not sure what I would do.  Hopefully, I will never be in that situation.    

What do you think?

Promises

You like to break promises?  Come see me.  You know someone who does?  Send them my way.  I must just give off the vibe that I like truly love people who break their promises. 

It has been a hard morning.  Sigh.  I have forgiven and come to peace with my life up to this point.  I am good.  I hold no grudges and I truly, deep down accept the things in my past.  That doesn't mean that I sometimes don't feel broken because of those things.  That doesn't mean that when new cracks come I don't remember how badly all of those other cracks and chips hurt.  Today I feel broken.

When I say this I am being completely honest and I could give specific details as to why I feel the way I do but that doesn't matter... every single person in my life who has ever had the opportunity to break their promises they made to me has.  Every single person in my life who has ever had the opportunity to stab me in the back has.  And I'm not exagerating by any means. 

Promises to love me unconditionally...   to support me when no one else will... to always be there for me no matter what...  all broken at every opportunity

Promises to rescue me, to save me and to love me... broken

Promises to keep my secrets... broken and thrown in my face

Promises that you would accept me for me... broken

Promises that things would change....  that issues would be dealt with.... compromises would be made... broken, broken, broken

Promises that were specifically made on specific issues... not only broken but disregarded as never even real

Yes, every person in my life, given the opportunity to stand with me, has chosen to break my heart.  And when a new opportunity presents itself I don't expect anything different.   

Besides feeling completely broken, it leaves me feeling stupid.  Stupid for loving.  Loving anyone enough to open myself up to the opportunity to be hurt... one more time.  That's my problem. 

 I love too much, too easily and too deeply. 

You want me to love you?  I will.  You know someone who wants to be loved without conditions?  No problem.  Only it is a problem.  Because I keep giving and never once have I ever felt like I was truly receiving.  Writing that even makes me feel like maybe I am unlovable.  I must be, right?  And so I cry and my heart crumbles a little more. 

We are called to love.  I can do that.  It comes so easily and naturally for me.  But how do I keep myself from breaking?  I don't know.  If I try to guard my heart I become a cold person.  I can shut off my love just as quickly as I can turn it on.  I can become numb and not allow myself to feel the hurt.  I have done it before and I'm not such a nice person when I do that.  I don't have to be awful, although I can definitely take that role on, but I just am there.  I don't fully trust anyone.  At all.  Even when my guard is down I have learned that there is no person that I can ever deep down in my gut trust with all of me.  Have I tried to trust like that?  Of course.  Children are born with that trust.  We grow up longing for it.  We marry expecting it.  I've just learned that I can't expect that from anyone.  When I put my guard up there is nothing I expect from you or even want from you.  It is so lonely feeling that way.  And for me if I feel alone I want nothing more than to be alone. 

The only thing that always keeps me going is my God.  My whole life He is the only one who I have ever given it all to.  He is the only one who has and maybe ever will truly love me for me.  He is the only one who can and does make promises that cannot be broken.  So I break because of people.  Imperfect people.  I get that, which is why I have forgiveness and hold no grudges.  And my brokenness brings me closer to God, which is wonderful. 

I guess the only way I can keep living, loving and trusting (somewhat) is to just live to glorify God, love God above all else and trust that He is always here for me, has a grand plan for me, will never break His promises.  I also need to trust that however broken I may be He can always fix me and make me even stronger.  

Discipline and Obedience

We all know that most children behave the worst for their parents.  They do more talking back, rolling of eyes, arguing, throwing fits, etc.  So when there are poorly behaved children in your care don't you wonder how much worse they must be with their parents?  

What brought this post on?

One of the most frustrating things for me is being around parents who do not discipline and/or children who have no discipline or expectations to obey.  (Along the same line of frustration is parents who are wayyy too hard on their children.)

Why so frustrating?

1) Because if my daughter is around to see this, we come off as the too strict parents and I feel like I have to explain why we have rules, etc.  Do I care that my daughter might think I am too strict?  Honestly, yes.  I know that she knows that we have many more expectations of her than some of the other families we know.  That does not mean that I want her to think that we are being more strict just for our pleasure.  I want her to see that undisciplined and disobedient children are not fun to be around.  They aren't.  At all.  I also want her to see that in our family you get absolutely no privileges or pleasure out of behaving in those ways.

2) Because I know how most of those children will grow up if the same expectations are held of them.  Self-entitled.  Disobedient.  Bossy.  Disrespectful.  Etc.  Etc.  Etc. 

3) Maybe this one should be #1.  This one is a little harder to explain.... I guess I understand why non-Christian families might not discipline.  There is that whole "happiness" thing.  Do you know what I mean?  That whole idea that the goal is to be happy.  For our children to be happy.  For everyone to live in their little happy bubbles no matter the consequences.  If that is your primary goal, then sure do whatever you want!  Now, do I want my children to be happy?  Do I want to be happy?  Do I want everyone around me to be happy?  Of course!!  But even more than that, I want my children to be disciplined and obedient.  Why?  Because, I believe, in the long run that will give them more happiness and a greater ability to have joy, which is so much better than happiness. 

So when I see Christian families who have no form of discipline at all and expect no obedience at all it really confuses me.  It seems like I know more non-disciplining Christians than I know who do expect obedience.  This also makes such a bad witness to non-believers.  Discipline and obedience are such godly characteristics.  I believe that behind teaching and encouraging our children to love God and others, discipline and obedience are the #1 things we are to teach.  Here are some verses:

"Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it."

Proverbs 22:6 

"Whoever loves discipline loves knowledge, but he who hates reproof is stupid."

Proverbs 12:1

"Besides this, we have had earthly fathers who disciplined us and we respected them. Shall we not much more be subject to the Father of spirits and live?"

Hebrews 12:9

"For the moment all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant, but later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it."

Hebrews 12:11 

Our daughter is not perfect and I wish I would have focused more on the word "obey" much earlier.  She does throw fits and does not always obey without grumbling as soon as I tell her to do something.  We are working on those things.  Will she ever obey perfectly?  I doubt it, but if we could get to 99% I'd be overjoyed about that!  It is so much easier to give in and "go with the flow" and focus on the child's "happiness", but we can't.  The Bible also tells us parents to "not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord" (Eph 6:4).  I might be way off but I think that verse is about us setting boundaries and rules so that our children are not frustrated and angered.  Children like rules.  They feel more safe and secure with boundaries.  We are told to set them.  

I would love to set the world on fire with our (Christian) obedient, joyful, loving, enjoyable and fun (of course) children.  What an example and witness we would be! 

I'm Having Trouble With The Good On This Friday

I actually have BIG issues with calling this Friday- Good Friday.  Yes, I understand that it is good that he died for our sins so that we may have life with Him in Heaven.  Yes, I understand that on the 3rd day He will rise.  But... for me calling it Good makes it about me, once again.  It makes it all about me that I am one of the ones He died for.  Me.  He was treated in ways that words cannot describe for me.  The perfect man.  God incarnate.  I put Him through that just so that my undeserving self could have the chance of eternal life.  It is not a Good Friday to me.  It is a sad, sad, sad Friday... that He would even need to do what He did.  That He would have to be treated the way He was for me all while being mocked and ridiculed by the very people He was suffering and dying for... me.  

Ask someone why this Friday is called Good Friday and they will tell you it is because Jesus died for our sins.  For me.  Which He did, of course, but isn't it like saying "It is ok that Jesus died the way He did because it means that I can have a chance of eternal life."  It is not ok.  It is not good.  It is sad and wrong.  The wrong way of viewing the day.  

I just looked up where the Good came from and here is what I found: There are two possible origins for the name "Good Friday". The first may have come from the Gallican Church in Gaul (modern-day France and Germany). The name "Gute Freitag" is Germanic in origin and literally means "good" or "holy" Friday. The second possibility is a variation on the name "God's Friday," where the word "good" was used to replace the word "God," which was often viewed as too holy to be spoken aloud.

Much better, right?  It is a Holy day.  It is God's Friday.  I love that.  It is not a Good Friday.  It is God's Holy Friday.  We are the ones, who got the meaning construed.  Well, maybe you haven't, but I know that I was never comfortable calling this day Good, but I would give that same answer as to why it was called a good day.  Again, yes unbelievable good came out of it but I don't want to justify His suffering in any way.  I am not deserving and neither are you.  None of us are deserving of His love.  Ever.
 

These videos are not on YouTube and I don't know how to put other videos in so please 1) let me know if you know and 2) WATCH them please!  The first two on the link... Feel My Love and Lay Them Down.  I suggest them in that order also :) 

http://vimeo.com/22565767
http://vimeo.com/22565823

In Case You Didn't Already Know- Indoctrination

I watched this video on another great blog that I love and I just had to share it.  It makes my heart break.  The whole situation does.  That our America is becoming like that.  Where nothing is right or wrong.  Where you can't have a firm opinion on anything because that would mean that you are making someone else's opinion wrong... even just wrong for you.  Where Buddha, Mother Nature and other gods/idols are welcomed into conversation but {gasp} should we ever, ever mention God or Jesus.  I am blessed that in Texas, God is referenced much more often than in other states/areas of the country, but it is still not enough and only a matter of time (maybe) before Texas will become like other much more liberal states.    

I definitely think that public education is important to some extent.  I don't really know how to solve all of our public school problems.  All I know is that as long as my husband allows me to homeschool our daughter I will.  My heart breaks for the mothers and fathers who truly cannot afford to stay at home and homeschool.  It is a sacrifice in some ways though... we will pretty much be a one income family, but what good doesn't come with sacrifices?  I cannot think of many better causes to sacrifice for.  

So shouldn't we be sending our Christian children into schools to be a light in the darkness?  My opinion, for my daughter, is not right now.  My job as a mother is not to send my 7 year old who does not have a very long battery life into a pitch black school.  Hopefully that makes sense... I mean that yes, her little battery could last for a few comments or questions about Christianity but it will die soon from little use.  So what? then I get her home from school (where she has spent 1/3 of her day) and try within a few hours before bed to feed her, help her with her homework, find out how her day was, love her, prepare for the next day, cook dinner, clean up after dinner, have her take a shower, brush her teeth, oh and recharge her little Christian battery so she can fight another fight the next day?!?  I don't think so.  I also don't see how my daughter would really have an impact on another little 7 year old who has no battery life at all.  In high school?  I am still doubting that our daughter will ever go to a public or even private high school.  My heart desires to homeschool her all the way through high school.  She needs to become a battery that can light a beacon for days/weeks/months/years without ever going out.  Will she struggle to do that at home?  Sure but we are here to point her back to Jesus and the Bible where her battery can be recharged.  We are here to challenge her for the future but never let it get to the point where her battery would completely die.  

On little last fact: In 1997, there were an estimated 850,000 homeschooled children in the US.  In 2007, there was 1.5 million.    

What do you think about sending your children into schools to be the light?  

No Fear of Bad News

So tonight on my way home from dropping off my sweet little sister a thought popped in my head... first I would like to say that I am a driver.  I could drive all day and all night.  I often get caught up in my thoughts while driving and completely miss my exits.  I have often thought of being a professional truck driver which really cracks me up.  I love driving except for when I hate it... another thing about me is my extremeness.  My point being that when I drive I think... usually alot.  So back to my thought/realization...

There has been some serious doubting in my head lately and tonight, out of nowhere, it was as clear as it could be that it is coming from the devil.  He wants to make me doubt myself, God, my family and my beliefs.  You might think I'm crazy but that's where I believe alot of our self-doubting and Jesus-doubting and negativity comes from. 

We are working towards fostering to adopt.  The process is long... soo much longer than I would like but hopefully not too much longer.  Here is what has been going through my head and hurting my heart lately:

Do you not see how dysfunctional your family is? 

How could you ever even think that your home is somewhere to raise any children? 

Your family is not a good example for any child.

And you want to bring another one in?

Your house is nowhere near what it should be.

You will just screw up that child in your own way.

You cannot even handle what you have now.

Even just reading those makes me sad.  My family is not perfect.  We are not the picture perfect Christian family at all.  We each have our quirks and we each know how to push eachother's buttons.  But, we have so much love.  So much to give.  I dream about being able to love another child as much as I love K.  I dream about my husband being the best father figure any child will/might have.  I dream about showing my kids (bio/foster/adopted) what a mother's unconditional love looks like.  I dream about laughing, crying, playing, learning, coloring, cooking, swimming, making messes, cleaning up messes, smiling and sharing our family's love for God with any children in our home.  I believe that we are pretty good parents and I believe that we are meant to do this.  It is so easy for me to envision more kids in my house for me to love, teach, mentor, care for and discipline (maybe that one sounds funny but I don't believe there are any children anywhere who need to live without rules, after all who wants to be around an adult who grew up with no boundaries- not me!).   

The thoughts that creep into my head are not from my heart or my even head really.  I thought that they were coming from some deep part inside of me to warn me or show me something but all they do is cause me to stress out, pick fights with my husband and doubt our family's love and strong, committed bond.  I will no longer let those thoughts occupy more than half a second in my head.  

Throughout this whole process we have had a crazy amount of little (and big) miracles happen.  I wish I would have written them down so I would never forget.  Even with them though I realize how strong my humanness is- my fear, my insecurities, my doubts, my worry.  An amazing verse that was found amazingly is one that I am telling myself many times daily and is definitely one of the things that has kept me going. 

"He will have no fear of bad news; his heart is fixed, for his hope is in the Lord."  Psalm 112:7 

I still work on trusting in God that this will happen for our family and if it doesn't I am trusting that He has something better and more glorifying (for Him) for us and that He will mend our broken hearts, especially the heart of our daughter who cannot wait for siblings.    

Perfect Domino Line + A Bomb = The Big Bang Theory

I cannot even think about this without laughing hysterically in my head or outloud walking around Walmart (as I did when I first heard it)... Yes, I am the one who walks around stores with a huge smile trying not to burst out laughing. That is when I don't walk around looking and feeling completely worn out. 

Sooo... you are probably wondering what on earth the title means!  Here's the background:  I listen to a Christian music channel about 75% of the time on the radio.  It's great!  It keeps me focused on God and is awesome for Kassidy to hear.  Even when I think she is off in her own little world in the backseat she will randomly spout off a line from a song or commercial ad (good or bad) so I don't even let the bad be in the car.  About 2% of the time I will listen to a song on the classical rock station and 1% some country.  The other 22% of the time I listen to Christian talk radio.  Sometimes that is not appropriate for K so I don't always get to listen when she's in the car.  You should definitely listen to those stations... great speakers, preachers, testimonies, words of wisdom, etc!   

A preacher that I love but never seem to catch his name was on and he's awesome... funny, knowledgable, etc, etc, etc.  He was talking about the reasons why you can't deny that there is a God. 

He was saying how there are millions of little circumstances that tweaked the slightest bit would make our existence impossible... 

like our oxygen levels....

like how close the Earth is to the Sun...

like how fast our world spins.

Then he said... here it is...  

No one would walk down into their basement, see a million dominos lined up perfectly and exclaim, "What bomb went off down here!?!?!"  

HAHAHAHA!!  You probably are thinking that I am absolutely crazy but I think am sitting here laughing.  This cracks me up!!  I hope you are also laughing hysterically or at least maybe chuckling inside!  I think it is the best way to think of the Big Bang theory.  Read it again:

No one would walk down into their basement, see a million dominos lined up perfectly and exclaim, "What bomb went off down here!?!?!"  

God does exist and he is beyond amazing!!  Share this story with someone else especially if you think it's as funny/intersting... hopefully with someone who is doubting or completely unbelieving. 

We Are All Meant To Shine

So I decided to start blogging.  I have recently found a few blogs that I absolutely love and have spent wayyy to much time late at night reading tons of their posts.  There is so much going on in my family's life right now and hopefully blogging with be both theraputic and a great way to save memories.  I was thinking last night about what to call my blog... something catchy (not that mine really is but maybe it's totally not un-catchy) and something that has meaning to me.  Well here is it... an A-mazing poem or excerpt I really think from her book A Return to Love.  Ahhh... this is probably my absolute favorite ever probably because for me I think it is completely spot on with how I feel/act.
 

Our Deepest Fear

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light, not out darkness
That most frightens us.

We ask ourselves
Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?
Actually, who are you not to be?
You are a child of God.

Your playing small
Does not serve the world. 
There's nothing enlightened about shrinking
So that other people won't feel insecure around you.

We are all meant to shine,
As children do.
We were born to make manifest
The glory of God that is within us.

It's not just in some of us;
It's in everyone.

And as we let our own light shine,
We unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.
As we're liberated from our own fear,
Our presence automatically liberates others.

By Marianne Williamson

Who Are You Not To Be???

So profound to me.  I am a child of God and my playing small does not serve the world but so often I do shrink... because I'm self-conscious... because I feel like I might stand out too much if I act the way I feel like I should act as a child of God who is supposed to change the world or even change my world... fear, fear, fear.  I've been meaning to print this poem out and frame it... maybe tomorrow :)