Wednesday, September 14, 2011

... Dot, Dot, Dot

before the ... (dot, dot, dot) ... we got an email back from the owner of the agency.  He basically said that our CW didn't tell anyone right away because "she did not want to deter a new foster family" and that he did not feel like switching CWs was the right thing to do.  Like we could ever work with her again, right?  He also agreed that in order for us to work together anymore we would have to rebuild trust.  Do you know how he suggested we do this?!?!  By believing her.  Yes, he said that the only way we could build up trust again is if we believe her.  He also said that all future emails only need to be sent to the agency, meaning do not forward any emails to CPS.  Btw, the CPS CW who I CCed the email to has never written back.  Needless to say, we are not going to work with that agency ever again.

The email broke my heart.  Again.  I don't know what I hoped for, but what I got was not it. 

We kind of put our adoption plans on hold (for a week or two... hahah) and we just tried to reassess things.  I tried to heal.  Heal?  Yes.  I am not really sure if anyone really gets how I could be so upset by all of this.  I am upset that we no longer have Melissa.  I miss her... most of the time.  I knew she was leaving though so I was prepared for that.  I needed healing because for a while my dreams were shattered.  Our dreams as a family were shattered.  We were planning on growing our family through fostering.  We haven't been able to have any more biological children for years now due to my PCOS and because I still think it is God's plan for us to adopt.  This was how we thought we were going to have another child(ren), give our daughter a sibling(s) and be a witness for adoption.  Crushed.  Crushed.  Crushed.  To be quite honest, for the first few days after I got the reply email I was kind of upset with God.  It seemed like He also broke my heart... lead us all this way on this long journey only to dump us on the side of the road with nothing.  I still don't quite understand His plan and I'm sure I will never quite get it, but I've realized, for about the millionth time in my life, that I just need to lay it down at His feet.  I just need to give my burdened, broken heart to Him.  (I just realized that one of my all time favorite songs sings lyrics like that... see the video below)  I have to do this so many times a day... give it all to Him.  Tell Him that I really do not appreciate that things are so hard in this area, but that I love Him and will try to trust Him and somehow find a way to give Him the glory in this situation and in every situation and if He feels like making things easier or giving me some insight it would be much appreciated :)    

My God is an awesome God and guess what?!?  So is your God!  He heals the sick.  He gives to the poor.  He mends the broken.  He loves the undeserving.  He wants to take on our burdens.  He created us to be unable to carry them ourselves so that we would hopefully give them to Him and have an indescribable relationship with Him in the process.

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