Sunday, May 27, 2012

No Heartbeat

Here is where our baby news got not so great.  Here is where it got weird. 

On Friday, we went to get our follow-up sono to look closely at the organs, especially the heart and its chambers.  I was prepared for Paisley to have some issues.  I didn't think she did, but I was preparing myself for that.  Mike was pretty nervous.  We got some really bad news about our house buying situation right before we got to the hospital (where their office is).  Mike mentioned on the way up in the elevator that we had received bad house news right before our last appointment and then that went awful as well. 

We got to the office and I asked to see our results from last time because of the weird baby news we received last time.  The receptionist said we could ask the dr and although I know I am completely allowed to look at my file I was not going to start anything so I left it at that.

We went to the back and the sono started.  The tech said, "Ok, we are going to be getting lots of measurements today."  She started with her head for some crazy reason.  I saw Paisley's body on the way to the head and didn't see a heartbeat, but it was a really quick transition from body to only head.  Maybe the tech saw that, too.  I asked if we could move on to the body and see a heartbeat.  I said, "I am just kind of paranoid."  She replied, "That's understandable."  But yet she moved on to her legs!!  I was getting pretty upset and antsy.  She didn't care.  So I asked, "Did you see a heartbeat?"  She then showed us her stomach/chest... I saw no heart flickering, again.  So I asked again and she replied that she was not allowed to tell us either way, but that the dr would be in soon. 

To say that I freaked out is a complete understatement.  I knew that she could tell me.  They are so quick to point out "And here's her heartbeat."  Always.  Except when there isn't one. 

I announced to Mike and Kassidy that she was dead.  I thought that I had seen her leg jump out, but I think it was from her moving my stomach around.  That was the only hope I had.  Her measurements should have taken at least 10 more minutes and the whole I can't show you the heartbeat thing was so not true.  We all started crying and I immediately regretted saying it because I guess I still wanted to hope and I felt kind of cruel for saying it I guess. 

The dr came in and started talking.  I didn't care what he had to say.  I just interrupted and asked if my baby had a heartbeat.  He said, "No, I'm so sorry."  He gave me a hug.  A great hug with me bawling in his arms.  He was much older (over 65 like my midwife told me) and very sweet.  He showed us her body and her heartbeat-less heart.  She was just laying there.  Dead.  Lifeless. 

I asked if there was anything we could have done or did and he told us that there was two things he wanted us to remember always:
1) there was nothing that we did to cause this
and I think 2) there was no way to prevent it

He went on to say that it was probably related to what the first dr had told us about her having a chromosomal disorder.  I pointed out that those were not the results that came to our midwife.  I don't really know what he said.  So much of it was going in and out.  He probably didn't even know what I was talking about.  I was in too much pain and shock to fight about it... to demand to know why we were told two different things and regained so much hope for our baby. 

We never thought we would hear those words.  It was the last thing for me to ever think would happen at 17 weeks.  I thought we were in the clear as far as life and death went.  I knew there might be issues.  We would get through them, but she would be alive.

Monday, May 14, 2012

Weird Baby News

We went to the midwife on Friday and once she came in she looked up the results from our awful ultrasound.  She said, "Well, everything seems to be good from the ultrasound.  There is only a 10-15% chance that she has a cystic hygroma."

Mike and I looked at eachother and told her that no the news was not good.  We went on to tell her what the dr had told us at the ultrasound.  She was horrified that we had been told such serious things in a pretty nonchalant way.  I didn't tell many people, if any actually, and I don't think I wrote it in the previous post about the ultrasound, but the dr told us that we should definitely make sure to hear the heartbeat at every appointment because most babies with chromosomal defects have heart issues and her heart could just stop and she would be dead. 

The midwife was really upset about that as well.  We all kind of sat there stunned that we had received such differing results.  Then, as promised, Kassidy was allowed to use the doppler to try and get a heartbeat.  Neither her nor the midwife could find it.  I actually was not as worried as I thought I would have been.  So off we went for our 4th ultrasound. 

I was definitely relieved when I saw the little fluttering of her sweet heart!  Paisley was trying to sleep and she was using the placenta as a pillow.  She was still a she and still pretty feisty even though she was trying to sleep.  She was actually showing her back, which is what we spent almost 30 minutes trying to see at our last sonogram!

The midwife said that she did see a little something on the back of her neck... a little thickening, which would be a sign of a cystic hygroma.  She said she had a friend who had a cystic hygroma and has only had to have it drained a few times throughout her life.... no biggie.  (I have actually now read that they are pretty big indicators to serious things and it's not really no bigie)

We went back to the examine room and our midwife told us to call and reschedule our next sono appt with a different dr in the practice.  I was and still kind of am in shock and complete confusion about things.  I have absolutely no idea why we were given such serious, grave news and our midwife was given completely different news.  Later, we realized that if the news had changed there is no excuse for that dr or her nurse or anyone on her staff to call us and let us know that things had been re-evaluated.  I mean hello!!  we were at home going kinda crazy with worry!  Totally unprofessional and weird.  It completely discredits the dr.  I will definitely be getting to the bottom of things in a couple weeks when we go back!

Saturday, May 12, 2012

Its' A....

GIRL!!!  Another girl!!  We found out at our last sono at 13 weeks.  Super early to find out, I know.  I seem to get lucky like that!  With K we found out around 16 weeks and now we found out super early!  I think that it is easier to tell girls vs. boys.  The tech said that all babies start with boy parts and they either get bigger or they kind of suck in... weird! 

We are going to name her Paisley Virginia.  We heard the name Paisley a few months ago and loved it.  The Paisley pattern is tied for my first favorite pattern, ever.  I've always loved it.  We were going to go with a name with much more meaning, like blessing or gift, etc because she is such a blessed gift from God that we waited so long for.  Unfortunately, hahaha, Mike and I could not agree on a single name with any kind of meaning! 

So after our first sono, at around 8 weeks, Mike called the baby our little chili pepper because the baby and the uterus looked just like a little chili pepper.  Then, maybe after our next sono around 10 weeks, I was looking at random things online and a paisley pattern popped up and guess what?!?!  Our little chili pepper also looked just like a little paisley swirl.  I called Mike over and we decided then that we would name her Paisley if we had a girl.  Dominic for a boy, which means belonging to God.  Paisley does mean church in Scottish and also content, which I like. 

Virginia is after my grandma.  No one in my family, granted there aren't that many people in my family on that side, have named anyone after her.  When my aunt heard what we were naming her, she cried, which is pretty unusual for her.  I let her tell my grandma the name and my grandma cried and cried.  She was so touched, which was exactly what I wanted :)  I really have the best grandma ever! 

Our little Paisley Virginia is super special to us and I'm so glad her name has a special meaning for our family :) 

PS. Here's a paisley pattern in case you weren't sure.  I wasn't going to spend a million years finding a super cute pattern, but this one is cute, right?!?!

Friday, May 11, 2012

Not So Good Baby News

Two weeks ago we went to have a level 2 sonogram done.  When I was pregnant with Kassidy the test for Down Syndrome came back positive.  I became a "high risk" patient and had many sonograms done throughout my pregnancy, which was such a fun little blessing.  All of the sonograms revealed no other markers for Downs and I was pretty reassured that everything was fine.  My mom and aunt have both also had tests come back positive and their children are great also.  Weird. 

So this time around I assumed that my test would come back positive and I just wanted to do the more in depth test where they do blood work between 11-14 weeks with a sono and do additional bloodwork around 16 (I think) and compare all of those results. 

We started with the sono.  We were with the ultrasound tech for about 15 minutes trying to get the baby to flip over and show its back so they could measure properly.  The baby wouldn't do it.  It would flip over completely, kick and punch, but never roll over.  The tech had us take a 5 minute break to shake the baby around and get it to roll over.  (PS. I know what the baby's gender is, so it's really hard to keep calling the baby it... I will post about that soon)  The shaking didn't work and the tech came back in for another 10 minutes.  No luck.  No big deal.  We just didn't get any really good measurements.

Then the dr came in.  She said she was going to do the ultrasound again.  I assumed because she wanted to try and get the baby to roll over.  I asked a question and she said that she would go over questions at the end.  That was kind of when I realized she wasn't just trying to move the baby.  Something was going on.

Finally, the dr pointed out the fluid sac on the back of the baby's neck.  She said it was much more than it should have been.  She went on to list a million different chromosomal disorders, trisomy 18, trisomy 13, Downs syndrome, and the percentages that our baby had of having those disorders.

I could barely understand her with her accent and I was in utter shock, but I said, "Ok, so we have about a 90% chance that there is something wrong?"  She replied that it was more like 80-85%.  She encouraged us to have further testing done a CVS or amnio before 20 weeks because there was no terminating it then. 

Terminating the pregnancy was not and is not an option for us, so we opted out of that testing.  I left crying and Mike left extremely upset.  He did not appreciate the way the dr broke the news and treated us.  He was really upset because he felt like she was strongly pressuring us to terminate the pregnancy.

The news was devastating and troubling.  I did lots of research, but I had to just keep reminding myself that God has a purpose for everything and that He gives us nothing we can't handle.  Downs is definitely the least troubling of the issues.  Trisomy 18 is very, very bad. 

God always has a purpose and the only thing we can do is trust. We love our baby tons already and can't wait to meet her!!

Tuesday, May 8, 2012

Book Review: My Stubborn Heart

My Stubborn Heart was such a great book!  I started reading it one night and finished it the next morning.  I couldn't put it down.  It had a great plot line and great characters that I couldn't wait to read about!  It is an easy-read, romantic book with some antiquing and sports thrown in.  I recommend it to anyone and will be letting several people borrow my book!!

Author Becky Wade
Win a Nook Simple Touch™ with GlowLight™ in Becky Wade's My Stubborn Heart Giveaway and RSVP for FB Party {5/24}! Celebrate with Becky by entering her My Stubborn Heart Giveaway and connecting with her during the Author Chat Party on 5/24!

One fortunate winner will receive:
  • A Brand New Nook Simple Touch™ with GlowLight™
  • A $25 Barnes & Noble Gift Certificate
  • A copy of My Stubborn Heart by Becky Wade
Enter today by clicking one of the icons below. But hurry, the giveaway ends at noon on May 24th. Winner will be announced at the "My Stubborn Heart" Author Chat Facebook Party on 5/24. Becky will be hosting an book chat, testing your trivia skills and giving away some great prizes!

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