Paisley's Diagnosis

I've written about what happened and now I will tell you why our baby died at 17 weeks in utero.  As I was writing my first of three posts on our birthing story, my dr called with the results of the study on the placenta.  {We were so blessed to be able to have the autopsy done.  I have a friend who never had one and many other women are never even given that opportunity.  It helped me heal tremendously and I am so thankful.}  Perfect timing!

 

Although I didn't recognize the number so I didn't answer the call!  It was so amazing of the dr, himself, to call me and to also give us his personal cell number.  He didn't pawn off the job to a nurse... he did the dirty work.  He really is my favorite!  We played phone tag and finally got to speak with him a day or two later. 

 

His news was pretty shocking, but also a relief. 

 

Paisley had Trisomy 18. 

Trisomy 18:

"Trisomy 18, also known as Edwards syndrome, is a condition which is caused by a chromosomal defect. It occurs in about 1 out of every 3000 live births. The numbers increase significantly when early pregnancy losses are factored in that occur in the 2nd and 3rd trimesters of pregnancy.

Unlike Down syndrome, which also is caused by a chromosomal defect, the developmental issues caused by Trisomy 18 are associated with medical complications that are more potentially life-threatening in the early months and years of life. 50% of babies who are carried to term will be stillborn, with baby boys having higher stillbirth rate than baby girls.

At birth, intensive care admissions in Neonatal units are most common for infants with Trisomy 18. Again, baby boys will experience higher mortality rates in this neonatal period than baby girls, although those with higher birth weights do better across all categories.

Some children will be able to be discharged from the hospital with home nursing support for their families. And although less than 10 percent survive to their first birthdays, some children with Trisomy 18 can enjoy many years of life with their families, reaching milestones and being involved with their community. A small number of adults (usually girls) with Trisomy 18 have and are living into their twenties and thirties, although with significant developmental delays that do not allow them to live independantly without assisted caregiving."
-----http://www.trisomy18.org/site/PageServer?pagename=whatisT18_whatis

 

 

Trisomy 18 is what Rick Santorum's youngest daughter has. 

 

It was a relief because we knew that it was a freak accident... obviously ordained by God... but not something genetic that would likely ever happen again.  The chromosomes just didn't do their jobs right.  We know she had some serious issues and yet she kicked so strong and tried to hold on as long as she could, mostly for us I'm sure.  That is one part that really breaks my heart.... how hard she fought to live. 

 

If she had lived to be born with Trisomy 18, I cannot imagine having to lose her at that point.  I cannot imagine having to tell Kassidy that she will most likely die after that. 

 

I kind of knew once we got the first news that she had something wrong, only I thought we would be able to overcome it.  We would love her and educate ourselves and we would be ok.  I didn't know we wouldn't get that chance. 

 

And maybe awful as it sounds, the Trisomy 18 news was the best news we could have received.  If our daughter was going to die from something I wanted it to be serious.  I wanted the chances of survival to look like the stats above.  Why?  I guess because it meant that there was really nothing we could do.  She would have struggled soo much and been in soo much pain if she were alive that I could be ok that she wasn't.  Does that make sense? 

Our Sleeping Baby Birth Story...The Worst Day of Our Lives Couldn't Have Gone Any Better Pt.3

Here is Part 2 that will also lead you to Part 1 of our story. 

After I finalllyyy stopped practically convulsing, I decided to see my baby.  She was sooo little that the nurse kept her between 2 washcloths on the counter.  Ohh how I miss her :( 

It actually took me quite a bit of courage to see her and a couple of hours.  I knew she was really, really tiny, which I was not prepared for.  I knew she would be smaller than I thought but not that tiny. 

So I held her and looked.  I could only really hold her on the washcloth because her skin was kind of like a damp gummy bear... kind of tacky.  She fit in the palm of my hand.  She was adorable.  Completely.  To others she probably looked a little like a blob and she did, but a super cute, beautiful one to me.  She had eyes and a little teeny tiny nose.  You could see her little ear bud and all her fingers and toes.  You could see her amazing little umbilical cord that was the size of embroidery thread.  She had her arm wrapped on the side of her like she had been laying on it.  {A couple weeks later, I realized that I lay the exact same way when I sleep on my side} 

She had a little chin, little mouth, little skinny legs and arms.  To me she was perfectly made, minus whatever made her die so young. 

Mike chose to not really see her.  He got a glimpse when the nurse discovered I had delivered and he didn't really want to see her dead.  He chose to remember her kicking and punching and being awnry on the sonograms.  Kassidy saw her and it kind of bothered her, but I'm really glad she chose to see her.  Until we get to Heaven, where she will be perfect and healthy, it was our only chance to see her. 

I didn't hold her for very long the first time.  I was ok.  I felt ok.  I enjoyed seeing her body because it was what held her spirit for those 16-17 weeks.  But when I looked over to the counter where she was I could almost laugh (and cry) because she was so so so much more than that little weak body.  She had a personality, she loved us (I know), she had so much to give and she fought so hard.  None of that could be seen from her little body.  So to me, that wasn't really her.  She was already being held by God.

As the day turned into night, I felt such a desire to hold her.  So I did.  I held her and looked at her.  Every little part of her, I studied and soaked it up.  I took pictures, which I am undecided about sharing.  For some reason, it was so private to me.  It still is and I am very protective of her pictures.  No one in my family besides one of my sisters has asked to see her and I'm glad.  To me she was perfect, beautiful and amazing.  To others I'm sure she left so much to be desired as a baby.  I don't think I could take the criticism or critiques of her from important people in my life.  The other part of me wants to show people because who gets to see a baby in utero at 13-15ish weeks, which is when they think she stopped growing (even though she was 16+ weeks old).  From a scientific perspective it is pretty awesome. 

I held her the rest of the time we were there and I was doing ok.  Until it was time to leave.  Then I basically lost it.  I was leaving my baby at the hospital to be picked up by a stranger and to be taken to be cremated.  As crazy as it sounds... all I wanted to do was take her home. 

You know the scene from 101 Dalmations where the puppies are delivered and Lucky isn't alive at first so Roger rubs him gently between a cloth and little tiny Lucky comes back to life.  I guess maternally I just wanted to be able to take her home, breathe some prayerful life into her and rock her until she got bigger.  I seriously contemplated taking her home.  But then logically what would I have done with her? 

So I left her and I bawled the whole entire way home.  I was in so much physical pain (the dr put me on the same contraction medicine for 2 days) and my heart hurt worse than it ever has before.  I left my baby at the hospital.  Before I left, I asked the nurse through tears if she would please take good care of her for me.  I believe she did. 

Picture below... do not look if you don't want to see!!

Yes, I was huge at 17 weeks.  Paisley was teeny tiny, but I was enormous.  I get big fast.  I had actually lost 4 pounds  from my pre-pregnancy weight when I went in to have her, but my belly was big!

Her legs are crossed in a yoga style.  Her umbilical cord is the red thing on her leg and laying on her side.  It was wrapped behind her back.  Her elbow is actually up by her head and her hand by her tummy.  She is my precious, beautiful Paisley girl.

Our Sleeping Baby Birth Story...The Worst Day of Our Lives Couldn't Have Gone Any Better Pt.2

Here is part one. 

I cannot believe this has taken me 2 more months to finish this story.  Wow!  We have been super busy since then and writing all this down just means I have to remember it all detail by detail. 

About an hour after I had the first dose, I felt something pop.  You know how you can stick your finger in your mouth and pop it in your cheek??  That's what it felt like it sounded... make sense??  haha!  And then a gush.  Yes, my water broke.  When I had Kassidy, they broke my water so I didn't get to experience that sensation and seriously it was awesome!  I couldn't get over how amazing and crazy it felt.  Weird, I know!

So after the first 4 hours of the Cytotec (again, I'm not sure of the name & I don't feel like looking it up, lol) it was time for round 2.  I had the next dose and told her I was then ready for an epidural.  I would actually like to have a baby naturally, but not when I have to feel my dead baby coming out.  And boy was I in PAIN!  Sooo much worse than regular labor contractions!!  Plus if I had to have a d&c, which I was almost guaranteed would happen, I would need an epidural anyway, so why not get it early. 

The anesthesiologist came in and started the epidural, which can I just say hurt worse than anything else that day!!!  Oh my goodness!!  I never felt any pain the first time with Kassidy... it was like a shot.  This was like someone sticking a straw up my spine on all the nerves and twisting it around just for fun.  I literally started crying and praying for it to be over... it hurt that bad.  When it was finally over, I turned to lay back down and another gush came out.  I told the nurse and she told me to continue to lay back down and she would check it.  I felt like I should just keep sitting there, but I layed down.

She checked me and said, "Well, hunny, you just delivered."  I was completely shocked and then my body went into complete shock.  I haven't really heard of many women shivering like crazy after birth, but I do.  I had a c-section with Kassidy and still shivered for a while after.  When I had Paisley... wow!  I shook for almost two hours so badly I couldn't talk.  I could barely open my mouth or I'd bite my tongue, but my teeth were chattering sooo hard I thought I would chip them and my jaw hurt soo bad.  The nurse couldn't read my blood pressure.  Mike was freaking out and kept asking if that was normal.  I guess it is normal for me.  My whole entire body ached for days because of it and my back was killing me. 

The placenta did not come out all of the way, but the dr was soo amazing that he came in, pulled down all the super lights, put my shaking legs in stirrups, did an ultrasound and pulled that placenta out!  No d&c!  Another miracle in our day!  I am so grateful that my dr was quick on his feet and thought to do that. 

The midwife came back in and said that 5 hours was the shortest time she had ever seen this labor happen.  I'm so thankful that was the record I got to set that day!

Tomorrow I will write about getting to see Paisley....

Our Sleeping Baby Birth Story...The Worst Day of Our Lives Couldn't Have Gone Any Better Pt.1

While I was looking at you tube videos of late term miscarriages, I realized they all referred to their babies as being born sleeping.  I'm not sure how I feel about that saying, but it is nicer than saying Our Dead Baby Birth Story.  So much of me is matter of fact and I'm a very open person.  Sooo... the other part of my title is better and also so very true.  The absolute worst day of our lives could not have gone any better. 

We arrived at the hospital bright and early on Monday morning (almost 4 weeks ago).  When we got to the maternity ward, I was still really upset that I was there to deliver my dead baby that I would not be able to take home or love on or squeeze or nurse or watch grow up, while every other door held women who would get to do those things with their baby. 

No one had told me what to expect or what was going on.  All I knew was that I would be told my options by the dr and would hopefully be able to deliver our baby so we could see and hold her. 

We went to our room, which was very nice, and soon met our nurse.  I haven't cried about this post until now -thinking about how my 2 nurses were my angels for the day.  Actually, I had several.  My nurses, the dr and the hospital pastor (I'm totally blanking on his actual title).  My day would have been so different if it weren't for them and they will always have a special place in my heart. 

The nurse helped alot.  She answered questions and actually seemed like she didn't mind sitting and talking with us.  I had lots of questions one of them being whether I could just have a repeat c-section, lol.  It kind of cracks me up now, but at the time I was so serious.  Right behind the d&c, actually having to feel Paisley come out was my worst nightmare.  I did not want to remember feeling this lifeless body, which used to hold my little baby, coming out.  My nurse did tell me that I would most likely be having a d&c after I delivered because the placenta almost never comes out on its own during this situation.  She also said that labor would most likely last at least 24 hours and sometimes could last days. 

Did I mention that we were moving or trying to move at this time?  We found out the Friday before, which was the same day as finding out about Paisley, that our loan wouldn't close on the 1st like it was supposed to.  Then, over the weekend we found out that there was 3 people above our loan all waiting to close on their houses once we did.  A huge trickle effect that was waiting for us.  We found out that the other people were not willing to wait for us and we would probably lose the house.  Anddd... we had to be out of our house on the 6th, which was a lucky extention from the man we sold to, who actually sold to us.  If we had to move in between the 1st and 6th it would mean hundreds of more dollars for us.  My poor husband was so stressed out with this also during this whole time.  I, on the other hand, couldn't care less.  I was sooo not interested in any house stuff, my life felt like it had been crushed with our Paisley.  PS. we got the house and moved in on the 5th! 

So the midwife came in and told me that the dr would probably stress just having a d&c.  I prepared myself for that and when the dr came in, he was awesome.  He is super quarky and kind of nerdy, but very caring and intelligent.  He is great and definitely my new dr!  The dr was all for me trying to deliver, but was pretty sure I would need a d&c to get the placenta out.  He did another ultrasound just to make sure on things.  The dates people had were all kinds of messed up.  He said she looked like she died at about 13 weeks.  I told him that we saw her at 15 and heard her heartbeat and I felt her after that.  It didn't really matter... it would only matter because of the size she would be.  Definitely not a 17 week old baby. 

I'm so glad he did an ultrasound.  I was going to ask for one if he hadn't suggested it.  My poor Kassidy had been praying and praying that God would give Paisley a new heart to beat.  (Talk about breaking my heart even more!)  We knew and know that God could do that.  He is God and can do all, but it was hard to let Kassidy even have that little hope that her little sister would have a new heart by Monday.  Kassidy really thought God might actually give her one and she was so worried that we would just kill Paisley by making her come out so early since K knew that babies don't live outside of their mothers that early.  We promised Kass that we would do a sono before so that we could see if she had come back to life.  I think that some part of me actually hoped that maybe somehow miraculously this was all just a little trick... that somehow she just had some ability to stop her heart for a bit and start it right back up and we would see that heartbeat just pumping away. 

He started me on the highest dose of whatever drug it is... cytotec I think.  And the cramping began.  It was a constant cramping... I mean it never went away.  Then the contractions started along with the cramping.  The contractions were about 2 minutes apart and lasted about 1 minute.  The morning went smoothly, but it was hard not to think that I was going through all this and wouldn't get to take my baby home....

Having My Baby Inside Me While Miscarrying

She had no heartbeat.  Our baby is dead.  She is up in Heaven with God, yet here still in my stomach. 

That was all I could write when she was actually still inside me, before we went to the hospital.  Today, I feel like writing.  Monday will be a month and I am just now really ready. 

Having Paisley still inside me was such a range of emotions.  Unless you have been there you will probably not understand and even if you have been there my feelings might seem crazy still. 

I was heartbroken.  I was devastated.  I was angry.  I was confused.  I was hurting for my husband and daughter.  I felt responsible.  I was ashamed.  I was pretty upset with God.  I was also furious and disgusted with my body.  I knew it was not my fault, but like I've said before when it comes to bearing children I do not think that anything else could be more instinctual for women or at least me.  It feels like something I should just be able to do.... bear a healthy, full-term, chunky baby.  Not have one die inside of me- while I am on watch.  I awe at what our bodies do during childbirth and the 9 months before and my body failed me or so I felt/still feel sometimes. 

We found out on Friday that she had died and had to wait until Monday before I went to the hospital to have her taken out, either through a d&c or d&e (I don't know the difference) or through labor.  Waiting those 3 days was a huge blessing, but I didn't always see it as such.  Throughout the weekend, there were times when I felt so grateful to just have her near me for a little bit longer.  I would have taken any extra time I had to have her so close.  There were other times that I was so ready to have her so I could not be pregnant any more.  Who wants to be pregnant with a dead baby?  We left the house a few times and I just knew that my first "Oh when are you due?" would come and in my emotional state I know I would have answered something to the effect of, "Well we found out she is dead, but she would have been due in November."  Looking in the mirror was probably the worst thing.  I could see my body changing to make room for my baby and I hated it. 

We decided that we would try and labor with her.  I did not want a d&c, at all.  I had a c-section with Kassidy after 23 hours of labor and that was almost 9 years ago.  I was definitely nervous that I would not be able to do it.  That somehow my body would fail me again and drop the ball on another dream.  I knew I wanted to hold her.  Mike wasn't sure he wanted to even see her, let alone hold her.  He didn't really see much the day of the ultrasound when we found out.  Before then, especially with the level 2 sono machine, he (we) could see everything so clearly.  For him it was a blessing that he was somehow unable to make anything out that day.  I, on the other hand, saw her laying there, lifeless and I hate that memory.  So Mike wanted to remember Paisley with her little uncooperative, active, spunky attitude she had in the other sonos.

We truly believed that she was no longer in her body.  It wasn't her in there, which was another reason having her in me for 3 days was hard.  Even though we did not "care" about her body we did not want it butchered up like they would do in a d&c.  It seemed like a respect thing.  She was still our child and that was her little house while she was on earth.  Holding her would also give me a closure that I really think I needed.  While you are pregnant, or at least while I am, it seems so unbelievable that there is actually a child in there.  A human being.  Inside you?!?  It seems crazy to me.  Of course, logically, I get it.  I saw her 4 times I think on sonos and felt her moving, but it really just blows my mind that a baby actually comes out.  Haha.  Soo... I wanted needed to see that little baby.  Maybe in some weird way to justify that she actually existed. 

I looked up you tube videos of late term miscarriages.  I wanted to prepare myself for what she might look like.  I also talked with my dear friend who told me all about her experience a few years ago with the same thing.  She labored, held her baby, and had to have a d&c to get the placenta out, which I read was the most likely thing to happen. 

I have always wanted my whole body donated to science.  Like I said, bodies aren't really important to me and burying people seems like such a waste for so many reasons.  I called several places to see if they would want Paisley's body.  Did you know that no one takes children under 18?  How crazy is that?  I would think that people would love to study a dead child or dead baby, especially one that was so little, but nope they don't.  So we had to decide what to do with her body.  We didn't really decide until Monday morning.

No Heartbeat

Here is where our baby news got not so great.  Here is where it got weird. 

On Friday, we went to get our follow-up sono to look closely at the organs, especially the heart and its chambers.  I was prepared for Paisley to have some issues.  I didn't think she did, but I was preparing myself for that.  Mike was pretty nervous.  We got some really bad news about our house buying situation right before we got to the hospital (where their office is).  Mike mentioned on the way up in the elevator that we had received bad house news right before our last appointment and then that went awful as well. 

We got to the office and I asked to see our results from last time because of the weird baby news we received last time.  The receptionist said we could ask the dr and although I know I am completely allowed to look at my file I was not going to start anything so I left it at that.

We went to the back and the sono started.  The tech said, "Ok, we are going to be getting lots of measurements today."  She started with her head for some crazy reason.  I saw Paisley's body on the way to the head and didn't see a heartbeat, but it was a really quick transition from body to only head.  Maybe the tech saw that, too.  I asked if we could move on to the body and see a heartbeat.  I said, "I am just kind of paranoid."  She replied, "That's understandable."  But yet she moved on to her legs!!  I was getting pretty upset and antsy.  She didn't care.  So I asked, "Did you see a heartbeat?"  She then showed us her stomach/chest... I saw no heart flickering, again.  So I asked again and she replied that she was not allowed to tell us either way, but that the dr would be in soon. 

To say that I freaked out is a complete understatement.  I knew that she could tell me.  They are so quick to point out "And here's her heartbeat."  Always.  Except when there isn't one. 

I announced to Mike and Kassidy that she was dead.  I thought that I had seen her leg jump out, but I think it was from her moving my stomach around.  That was the only hope I had.  Her measurements should have taken at least 10 more minutes and the whole I can't show you the heartbeat thing was so not true.  We all started crying and I immediately regretted saying it because I guess I still wanted to hope and I felt kind of cruel for saying it I guess. 

The dr came in and started talking.  I didn't care what he had to say.  I just interrupted and asked if my baby had a heartbeat.  He said, "No, I'm so sorry."  He gave me a hug.  A great hug with me bawling in his arms.  He was much older (over 65 like my midwife told me) and very sweet.  He showed us her body and her heartbeat-less heart.  She was just laying there.  Dead.  Lifeless. 

I asked if there was anything we could have done or did and he told us that there was two things he wanted us to remember always:
1) there was nothing that we did to cause this
and I think 2) there was no way to prevent it

He went on to say that it was probably related to what the first dr had told us about her having a chromosomal disorder.  I pointed out that those were not the results that came to our midwife.  I don't really know what he said.  So much of it was going in and out.  He probably didn't even know what I was talking about.  I was in too much pain and shock to fight about it... to demand to know why we were told two different things and regained so much hope for our baby. 

We never thought we would hear those words.  It was the last thing for me to ever think would happen at 17 weeks.  I thought we were in the clear as far as life and death went.  I knew there might be issues.  We would get through them, but she would be alive.

Weird Baby News

We went to the midwife on Friday and once she came in she looked up the results from our awful ultrasound.  She said, "Well, everything seems to be good from the ultrasound.  There is only a 10-15% chance that she has a cystic hygroma."

Mike and I looked at eachother and told her that no the news was not good.  We went on to tell her what the dr had told us at the ultrasound.  She was horrified that we had been told such serious things in a pretty nonchalant way.  I didn't tell many people, if any actually, and I don't think I wrote it in the previous post about the ultrasound, but the dr told us that we should definitely make sure to hear the heartbeat at every appointment because most babies with chromosomal defects have heart issues and her heart could just stop and she would be dead. 

The midwife was really upset about that as well.  We all kind of sat there stunned that we had received such differing results.  Then, as promised, Kassidy was allowed to use the doppler to try and get a heartbeat.  Neither her nor the midwife could find it.  I actually was not as worried as I thought I would have been.  So off we went for our 4th ultrasound. 

I was definitely relieved when I saw the little fluttering of her sweet heart!  Paisley was trying to sleep and she was using the placenta as a pillow.  She was still a she and still pretty feisty even though she was trying to sleep.  She was actually showing her back, which is what we spent almost 30 minutes trying to see at our last sonogram!

The midwife said that she did see a little something on the back of her neck... a little thickening, which would be a sign of a cystic hygroma.  She said she had a friend who had a cystic hygroma and has only had to have it drained a few times throughout her life.... no biggie.  (I have actually now read that they are pretty big indicators to serious things and it's not really no bigie)

We went back to the examine room and our midwife told us to call and reschedule our next sono appt with a different dr in the practice.  I was and still kind of am in shock and complete confusion about things.  I have absolutely no idea why we were given such serious, grave news and our midwife was given completely different news.  Later, we realized that if the news had changed there is no excuse for that dr or her nurse or anyone on her staff to call us and let us know that things had been re-evaluated.  I mean hello!!  we were at home going kinda crazy with worry!  Totally unprofessional and weird.  It completely discredits the dr.  I will definitely be getting to the bottom of things in a couple weeks when we go back!

Its' A....

GIRL!!!  Another girl!!  We found out at our last sono at 13 weeks.  Super early to find out, I know.  I seem to get lucky like that!  With K we found out around 16 weeks and now we found out super early!  I think that it is easier to tell girls vs. boys.  The tech said that all babies start with boy parts and they either get bigger or they kind of suck in... weird! 

We are going to name her Paisley Virginia.  We heard the name Paisley a few months ago and loved it.  The Paisley pattern is tied for my first favorite pattern, ever.  I've always loved it.  We were going to go with a name with much more meaning, like blessing or gift, etc because she is such a blessed gift from God that we waited so long for.  Unfortunately, hahaha, Mike and I could not agree on a single name with any kind of meaning! 

So after our first sono, at around 8 weeks, Mike called the baby our little chili pepper because the baby and the uterus looked just like a little chili pepper.  Then, maybe after our next sono around 10 weeks, I was looking at random things online and a paisley pattern popped up and guess what?!?!  Our little chili pepper also looked just like a little paisley swirl.  I called Mike over and we decided then that we would name her Paisley if we had a girl.  Dominic for a boy, which means belonging to God.  Paisley does mean church in Scottish and also content, which I like. 

Virginia is after my grandma.  No one in my family, granted there aren't that many people in my family on that side, have named anyone after her.  When my aunt heard what we were naming her, she cried, which is pretty unusual for her.  I let her tell my grandma the name and my grandma cried and cried.  She was so touched, which was exactly what I wanted :)  I really have the best grandma ever! 

Our little Paisley Virginia is super special to us and I'm so glad her name has a special meaning for our family :) 

PS. Here's a paisley pattern in case you weren't sure.  I wasn't going to spend a million years finding a super cute pattern, but this one is cute, right?!?!

Not So Good Baby News

Two weeks ago we went to have a level 2 sonogram done.  When I was pregnant with Kassidy the test for Down Syndrome came back positive.  I became a "high risk" patient and had many sonograms done throughout my pregnancy, which was such a fun little blessing.  All of the sonograms revealed no other markers for Downs and I was pretty reassured that everything was fine.  My mom and aunt have both also had tests come back positive and their children are great also.  Weird. 

So this time around I assumed that my test would come back positive and I just wanted to do the more in depth test where they do blood work between 11-14 weeks with a sono and do additional bloodwork around 16 (I think) and compare all of those results. 

We started with the sono.  We were with the ultrasound tech for about 15 minutes trying to get the baby to flip over and show its back so they could measure properly.  The baby wouldn't do it.  It would flip over completely, kick and punch, but never roll over.  The tech had us take a 5 minute break to shake the baby around and get it to roll over.  (PS. I know what the baby's gender is, so it's really hard to keep calling the baby it... I will post about that soon)  The shaking didn't work and the tech came back in for another 10 minutes.  No luck.  No big deal.  We just didn't get any really good measurements.

Then the dr came in.  She said she was going to do the ultrasound again.  I assumed because she wanted to try and get the baby to roll over.  I asked a question and she said that she would go over questions at the end.  That was kind of when I realized she wasn't just trying to move the baby.  Something was going on.

Finally, the dr pointed out the fluid sac on the back of the baby's neck.  She said it was much more than it should have been.  She went on to list a million different chromosomal disorders, trisomy 18, trisomy 13, Downs syndrome, and the percentages that our baby had of having those disorders.

I could barely understand her with her accent and I was in utter shock, but I said, "Ok, so we have about a 90% chance that there is something wrong?"  She replied that it was more like 80-85%.  She encouraged us to have further testing done a CVS or amnio before 20 weeks because there was no terminating it then. 

Terminating the pregnancy was not and is not an option for us, so we opted out of that testing.  I left crying and Mike left extremely upset.  He did not appreciate the way the dr broke the news and treated us.  He was really upset because he felt like she was strongly pressuring us to terminate the pregnancy.

The news was devastating and troubling.  I did lots of research, but I had to just keep reminding myself that God has a purpose for everything and that He gives us nothing we can't handle.  Downs is definitely the least troubling of the issues.  Trisomy 18 is very, very bad. 

God always has a purpose and the only thing we can do is trust. We love our baby tons already and can't wait to meet her!!

3 or 2 babies, please?

This is the request written by 8 year old daughter on her whiteboard above her bed.  The "or 2" part was added a few days later.  We kept telling her the very, very, very slim possibilities of me having 3 babies (and also 2) during this one pregnancy.  But... we will see in about 11 more days!!

I hope it lasts

I am now about 5 weeks and 6 days preggo.  I wish it was a little more so I would feel more in the clear, but like everything it will just be a matter of time.

I would actually say that starting a few days after conception I became extremely tired all of the time.  I thought it was just me not being active enough and I chalked it up to being lazy.  Then, I found out I was expecting and it made sense.  The exhaustion got worse.  For the past week or so I have only been good from about 9:30-12:30ish.  Outside of those 3 hours, all I wanted to do was sleeeepppp.  It was almost to the point of not being able to function. 

Before I got pregnant with Kassidy, I went out every single night to hang out with friends.  No, it was doing charity work or volunteering.  I was usually doing stuff I should not have been doing.  About a week or two before I found out I was pregnant with K, I completely stopped going out.  All I did with my free time was sleep.  I was just exhausted and nothing sounded better than just laying in bed.  That lasted until about 6 weeks or so.

For the past 2 days, I have not been nearly as tired.  I could actually function and even though my energy is still low it seems like I have had a 2liter of mountain dew.  I feel so much better and I hope this part of pregnancy is over so I might actually be able to accomplish something!!

Maybe the ABSOLUTE biggest news ever!!!

I AM PREGNANT!!!!  FINALLLLYYYY!!! 

I just found out yesterday morning.  I took 2 tests... the digital kind, which are now turned off?  After the first one, I sat there bawling.  I actually felt so undeserving and still feel so immensely blessed.  I took the next test and then ran to the store to buy a third of a different brand.  I also bought some iron-on letters for my daughter's shirt as I have been planning on how to break the news for umm... ever!! 

When I got home, I took the 3rd test, which was also positive.  Then I started making her shirt.  Once I finished, I should my husband, who did not really get it right away.  I wish I had videotaped it, but once he got it he could not stop saying, "No, way!" 

We agreed to show our daughter and she got it pretty quickly and yelled, "You're pregnant?!?!"  We immediately took a picture like the one above and texted it to everyone, except for a few people.

My dad was the first to call and he said, "So, I got a text from you... (long pause)... are you pregnant?"  I said yes and he started crying and crying, which of course made me cry and cry.  It has been a long and difficult journey to get to this place. 

Everyone was so excited to get the news and I was called with screaming sisters and a mom, who were all thrilled that it had finally happened for us!! 

There are so many emotions that I feel, not because of my hormones, but because I am here... I am actually pregnant.  Now that I am back with a computer and can blog, I can hopefully share some of those feelings. 

P.S. I watched 2 episodes of A Baby Story this morning for the first time since I had Kassidy.  I have actually been consumed with jealousy at even seeing the title of those shows.  Now I am watching....