Friday, June 22, 2012

Having My Baby Inside Me While Miscarrying

She had no heartbeat.  Our baby is dead.  She is up in Heaven with God, yet here still in my stomach. 

That was all I could write when she was actually still inside me, before we went to the hospital.  Today, I feel like writing.  Monday will be a month and I am just now really ready. 

Having Paisley still inside me was such a range of emotions.  Unless you have been there you will probably not understand and even if you have been there my feelings might seem crazy still. 

I was heartbroken.  I was devastated.  I was angry.  I was confused.  I was hurting for my husband and daughter.  I felt responsible.  I was ashamed.  I was pretty upset with God.  I was also furious and disgusted with my body.  I knew it was not my fault, but like I've said before when it comes to bearing children I do not think that anything else could be more instinctual for women or at least me.  It feels like something I should just be able to do.... bear a healthy, full-term, chunky baby.  Not have one die inside of me- while I am on watch.  I awe at what our bodies do during childbirth and the 9 months before and my body failed me or so I felt/still feel sometimes. 

We found out on Friday that she had died and had to wait until Monday before I went to the hospital to have her taken out, either through a d&c or d&e (I don't know the difference) or through labor.  Waiting those 3 days was a huge blessing, but I didn't always see it as such.  Throughout the weekend, there were times when I felt so grateful to just have her near me for a little bit longer.  I would have taken any extra time I had to have her so close.  There were other times that I was so ready to have her so I could not be pregnant any more.  Who wants to be pregnant with a dead baby?  We left the house a few times and I just knew that my first "Oh when are you due?" would come and in my emotional state I know I would have answered something to the effect of, "Well we found out she is dead, but she would have been due in November."  Looking in the mirror was probably the worst thing.  I could see my body changing to make room for my baby and I hated it. 

We decided that we would try and labor with her.  I did not want a d&c, at all.  I had a c-section with Kassidy after 23 hours of labor and that was almost 9 years ago.  I was definitely nervous that I would not be able to do it.  That somehow my body would fail me again and drop the ball on another dream.  I knew I wanted to hold her.  Mike wasn't sure he wanted to even see her, let alone hold her.  He didn't really see much the day of the ultrasound when we found out.  Before then, especially with the level 2 sono machine, he (we) could see everything so clearly.  For him it was a blessing that he was somehow unable to make anything out that day.  I, on the other hand, saw her laying there, lifeless and I hate that memory.  So Mike wanted to remember Paisley with her little uncooperative, active, spunky attitude she had in the other sonos.

We truly believed that she was no longer in her body.  It wasn't her in there, which was another reason having her in me for 3 days was hard.  Even though we did not "care" about her body we did not want it butchered up like they would do in a d&c.  It seemed like a respect thing.  She was still our child and that was her little house while she was on earth.  Holding her would also give me a closure that I really think I needed.  While you are pregnant, or at least while I am, it seems so unbelievable that there is actually a child in there.  A human being.  Inside you?!?  It seems crazy to me.  Of course, logically, I get it.  I saw her 4 times I think on sonos and felt her moving, but it really just blows my mind that a baby actually comes out.  Haha.  Soo... I wanted needed to see that little baby.  Maybe in some weird way to justify that she actually existed. 

I looked up you tube videos of late term miscarriages.  I wanted to prepare myself for what she might look like.  I also talked with my dear friend who told me all about her experience a few years ago with the same thing.  She labored, held her baby, and had to have a d&c to get the placenta out, which I read was the most likely thing to happen. 

I have always wanted my whole body donated to science.  Like I said, bodies aren't really important to me and burying people seems like such a waste for so many reasons.  I called several places to see if they would want Paisley's body.  Did you know that no one takes children under 18?  How crazy is that?  I would think that people would love to study a dead child or dead baby, especially one that was so little, but nope they don't.  So we had to decide what to do with her body.  We didn't really decide until Monday morning.

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