Can you see the future??

 

I cannot.  I am definitely a dreamer... I could sit and daydream all.day.long.  Really.  I love daydreaming.

 

But, what I mean is can you visualize and imagine the future? 

 

I really have a hard time in that area.

 

Like this baby.  I really don't see the day when I get to take her home... not because we lost a baby, well maybe a little because of that.  Or a lot because of that.  I don't know.  But I can't.

 

It doesn't just end there.  Or I guess it does end here, with this week or month.  But my lack of seeing the future doesn't end there.

 

Ever since I had Kassidy, I have always worried about who would get her if Mike and I died.  I really take that decision seriously and feel much relief since we made that decision.  (total random awkward thing about me: I actually ask everyone this question.  Randomly.  At family events.  At baseball stadiums.  At Christmas.  You name the place or event and I'll ask.  It seriously is that weird for me.)

 

It is just really very almost impossible for me to imagine actually growing old and watching my children grow up.  So badly, do I want to grow old with Mike and watch our grandchildren playing in our yard with our kids by our side, but actually feeling like I will is a totally different thing.

 

Is it just being young and naive?  Like when I think I actually might be able to run straight into that cement road block and just walk away with a little whip-lash.  Man, I am making myself sound craazzzy!  So I guess not only do I think I can't die from certain things (I am sitting here laughing) but I also don't know if I will get to live much longer. 

 

Maybe it's not that I won't live much longer.  It is more like I just have no idea what the future holds, which, guess what, I don't.  And I have to be ok with the fact that God does and He really wants the best for me and my future.

 

Can you see the future?  Do you really feel like you see your future tomorrow the same way you see your future in 5 or 10 years... is it clear?  Are you at all crazy or is it just me?  :) 

Yes, I jump whenever I hear my phone ring now!!

{Drumroll Please}

We are officially, totally and completely put into the system to be foster parents!!!!

We have been for a week... no calls yet, but we are waiting!!  Trying to be patient!

From what I have read and heard people usually wait about 3 weeks before they get a call.  I have no idea why it seems to work like that, but it seems to.  So we will wait (yet again in this process).

It would be really nice to have some time to get things squared away before school starts, but we will probably not get that luxury, which is fine.  We homeschool our daughter and thought that we were avoiding public school and separation for the most part by only taking kids up to 6, but starting at 3ish they have to be enrolled in a Headstart program, which I am pretty clueless about.  Having all that ready to go and organized would be awesome... but it will all be awesome!!  I know God's time is perfect and I keep reminding myself of this  daily  every hour  pretty much constantly. 

I still struggle with fears of not being good enough and that somehow we will just never be called.  When I am left with my own thoughts and insecurities I sometimes conjure up ideas that for some reason our agency just verified (certified) us just to humor us, but have no plan to ever call us.  Crazy.  I know.  That's why I leave it all to God, because I really believe that this is what we are supposed to be doing.  I know that our baby(ies) is(are) waiting for us. 

So :)  we will wait and have confidence in only our God.  We are super excited and cannot wait to welcome 1 or 2 kiddos into our home!! 

No Fear of Bad News

So tonight on my way home from dropping off my sweet little sister a thought popped in my head... first I would like to say that I am a driver.  I could drive all day and all night.  I often get caught up in my thoughts while driving and completely miss my exits.  I have often thought of being a professional truck driver which really cracks me up.  I love driving except for when I hate it... another thing about me is my extremeness.  My point being that when I drive I think... usually alot.  So back to my thought/realization...

There has been some serious doubting in my head lately and tonight, out of nowhere, it was as clear as it could be that it is coming from the devil.  He wants to make me doubt myself, God, my family and my beliefs.  You might think I'm crazy but that's where I believe alot of our self-doubting and Jesus-doubting and negativity comes from. 

We are working towards fostering to adopt.  The process is long... soo much longer than I would like but hopefully not too much longer.  Here is what has been going through my head and hurting my heart lately:

Do you not see how dysfunctional your family is? 

How could you ever even think that your home is somewhere to raise any children? 

Your family is not a good example for any child.

And you want to bring another one in?

Your house is nowhere near what it should be.

You will just screw up that child in your own way.

You cannot even handle what you have now.

Even just reading those makes me sad.  My family is not perfect.  We are not the picture perfect Christian family at all.  We each have our quirks and we each know how to push eachother's buttons.  But, we have so much love.  So much to give.  I dream about being able to love another child as much as I love K.  I dream about my husband being the best father figure any child will/might have.  I dream about showing my kids (bio/foster/adopted) what a mother's unconditional love looks like.  I dream about laughing, crying, playing, learning, coloring, cooking, swimming, making messes, cleaning up messes, smiling and sharing our family's love for God with any children in our home.  I believe that we are pretty good parents and I believe that we are meant to do this.  It is so easy for me to envision more kids in my house for me to love, teach, mentor, care for and discipline (maybe that one sounds funny but I don't believe there are any children anywhere who need to live without rules, after all who wants to be around an adult who grew up with no boundaries- not me!).   

The thoughts that creep into my head are not from my heart or my even head really.  I thought that they were coming from some deep part inside of me to warn me or show me something but all they do is cause me to stress out, pick fights with my husband and doubt our family's love and strong, committed bond.  I will no longer let those thoughts occupy more than half a second in my head.  

Throughout this whole process we have had a crazy amount of little (and big) miracles happen.  I wish I would have written them down so I would never forget.  Even with them though I realize how strong my humanness is- my fear, my insecurities, my doubts, my worry.  An amazing verse that was found amazingly is one that I am telling myself many times daily and is definitely one of the things that has kept me going. 

"He will have no fear of bad news; his heart is fixed, for his hope is in the Lord."  Psalm 112:7 

I still work on trusting in God that this will happen for our family and if it doesn't I am trusting that He has something better and more glorifying (for Him) for us and that He will mend our broken hearts, especially the heart of our daughter who cannot wait for siblings.