Friday, March 1, 2013

Can you see the future??

I cannot.  I am definitely a dreamer... I could sit and daydream  Really.  I love daydreaming.
But, what I mean is can you visualize and imagine the future? 
I really have a hard time in that area.
Like this baby.  I really don't see the day when I get to take her home... not because we lost a baby, well maybe a little because of that.  Or a lot because of that.  I don't know.  But I can't.
It doesn't just end there.  Or I guess it does end here, with this week or month.  But my lack of seeing the future doesn't end there.
Ever since I had Kassidy, I have always worried about who would get her if Mike and I died.  I really take that decision seriously and feel much relief since we made that decision.  (total random awkward thing about me: I actually ask everyone this question.  Randomly.  At family events.  At baseball stadiums.  At Christmas.  You name the place or event and I'll ask.  It seriously is that weird for me.)
It is just really very almost impossible for me to imagine actually growing old and watching my children grow up.  So badly, do I want to grow old with Mike and watch our grandchildren playing in our yard with our kids by our side, but actually feeling like I will is a totally different thing.
Is it just being young and naive?  Like when I think I actually might be able to run straight into that cement road block and just walk away with a little whip-lash.  Man, I am making myself sound craazzzy!  So I guess not only do I think I can't die from certain things (I am sitting here laughing) but I also don't know if I will get to live much longer. 
Maybe it's not that I won't live much longer.  It is more like I just have no idea what the future holds, which, guess what, I don't.  And I have to be ok with the fact that God does and He really wants the best for me and my future.
Can you see the future?  Do you really feel like you see your future tomorrow the same way you see your future in 5 or 10 years... is it clear?  Are you at all crazy or is it just me?  :) 

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