Why I Almost Hated Easter

Saturday night I watched The Passion.  I'm a super emotional person in general and watch out with these pregnancy hormones I've been having lately!!!  Sooo... I basically cried the whole entire movie and it really almost ruined Easter for me, forever.

I was completely disgusted and appalled that Jesus would be "allowed" to die for my sins in the way that He did.  You know he wasn't just beheaded or hung or even just crucified.  He was beaten, tortured and humiliated over and over and over.  At church on Sunday, the pastor said that Jesus did not even resemble a man anymore.  He was more like the carcasses or roadkill you see on the side of the road where you aren't really sure what you are looking at... all you know is it was some kind of animal.  How gross and heartbreaking is that??!!

During the whole movie, I was almost mad at God.  I mean He was the guy who set this whole "savior" thing up.  He decided that in order for us to be saved and made clean He would have to sacrifice His only Son, His perfect Son, for us. 

It was late when the movie was over and in bed I began to pray.  It was a really low point for me, believe it or not.  I felt and still feel completely undeserving of His sacrifice.  I am sooo not worth it and neither are you.  We are such sinners, even when we are being "good".  So in my praying, I just asked God to explain to me the whole thing.  Why would He make up such a ridiculous thing?  Why would He ever think that is what should be done?

Of course, logically, I know the answers.  I understand why, probably as good as I ever will, but I still was not feeling it.  These were my answers.  I think they came from the Holy Spirit, who just rested them in my heart.  I instantly felt much more at peace.  I don't really like when people continuously say that God tells them things.  I guess that's not what I don't like.  I don't like when people use the phrase "God spoke to me" (or something similar) right before they say whatever they want just to get their way.  I try not to say that unless I truly feel like something came from the Holy Spirit and I believe this all did.  The red is from me and the blue is what I feel like I was given, from my own mind or from the Holy Spirit... take it as you will :)

"Please just explain it to me.  I don't understand why You, who has absolute control of everything chose something like that to happen."  You know I can only be surrounded by/in the company of perfection.  I want my people to be with me.  You needed a savior.  "Why did His death have to be so awful?"  It needed to be remembered.  It needed to be a big deal.  It needed to be awful so you would see the great sacrifice it was.  You needed to see how great His forgiveness is.  "We are such sinners..."  Just embrace it. 

And that is what I got.  I am so thankful that I did, because I was really upset.  I am trying to embrace my grace more.  On Sunday, the pastor also said something to the effect of "This is not about us.  We are not worthy of His sacrifice, but dwelling on that makes it about us and not Him.  He is the one who deserves the glory.  It is about Him not us."

I'm Having Trouble With The Good On This Friday

I actually have BIG issues with calling this Friday- Good Friday.  Yes, I understand that it is good that he died for our sins so that we may have life with Him in Heaven.  Yes, I understand that on the 3rd day He will rise.  But... for me calling it Good makes it about me, once again.  It makes it all about me that I am one of the ones He died for.  Me.  He was treated in ways that words cannot describe for me.  The perfect man.  God incarnate.  I put Him through that just so that my undeserving self could have the chance of eternal life.  It is not a Good Friday to me.  It is a sad, sad, sad Friday... that He would even need to do what He did.  That He would have to be treated the way He was for me all while being mocked and ridiculed by the very people He was suffering and dying for... me.  

Ask someone why this Friday is called Good Friday and they will tell you it is because Jesus died for our sins.  For me.  Which He did, of course, but isn't it like saying "It is ok that Jesus died the way He did because it means that I can have a chance of eternal life."  It is not ok.  It is not good.  It is sad and wrong.  The wrong way of viewing the day.  

I just looked up where the Good came from and here is what I found: There are two possible origins for the name "Good Friday". The first may have come from the Gallican Church in Gaul (modern-day France and Germany). The name "Gute Freitag" is Germanic in origin and literally means "good" or "holy" Friday. The second possibility is a variation on the name "God's Friday," where the word "good" was used to replace the word "God," which was often viewed as too holy to be spoken aloud.

Much better, right?  It is a Holy day.  It is God's Friday.  I love that.  It is not a Good Friday.  It is God's Holy Friday.  We are the ones, who got the meaning construed.  Well, maybe you haven't, but I know that I was never comfortable calling this day Good, but I would give that same answer as to why it was called a good day.  Again, yes unbelievable good came out of it but I don't want to justify His suffering in any way.  I am not deserving and neither are you.  None of us are deserving of His love.  Ever.
 

These videos are not on YouTube and I don't know how to put other videos in so please 1) let me know if you know and 2) WATCH them please!  The first two on the link... Feel My Love and Lay Them Down.  I suggest them in that order also :) 

http://vimeo.com/22565767
http://vimeo.com/22565823