Saturday night I watched The Passion. I'm a super emotional person in general and watch out with these pregnancy hormones I've been having lately!!! Sooo... I basically cried the whole entire movie and it really almost ruined Easter for me, forever.
I was completely disgusted and appalled that Jesus would be "allowed" to die for my sins in the way that He did. You know he wasn't just beheaded or hung or even just crucified. He was beaten, tortured and humiliated over and over and over. At church on Sunday, the pastor said that Jesus did not even resemble a man anymore. He was more like the carcasses or roadkill you see on the side of the road where you aren't really sure what you are looking at... all you know is it was some kind of animal. How gross and heartbreaking is that??!!
During the whole movie, I was almost mad at God. I mean He was the guy who set this whole "savior" thing up. He decided that in order for us to be saved and made clean He would have to sacrifice His only Son, His perfect Son, for us.
It was late when the movie was over and in bed I began to pray. It was a really low point for me, believe it or not. I felt and still feel completely undeserving of His sacrifice. I am sooo not worth it and neither are you. We are such sinners, even when we are being "good". So in my praying, I just asked God to explain to me the whole thing. Why would He make up such a ridiculous thing? Why would He ever think that is what should be done?
Of course, logically, I know the answers. I understand why, probably as good as I ever will, but I still was not feeling it. These were my answers. I think they came from the Holy Spirit, who just rested them in my heart. I instantly felt much more at peace. I don't really like when people continuously say that God tells them things. I guess that's not what I don't like. I don't like when people use the phrase "God spoke to me" (or something similar) right before they say whatever they want just to get their way. I try not to say that unless I truly feel like something came from the Holy Spirit and I believe this all did. The red is from me and the blue is what I feel like I was given, from my own mind or from the Holy Spirit... take it as you will :)
"Please just explain it to me. I don't understand why You, who has absolute control of everything chose something like that to happen." You know I can only be surrounded by/in the company of perfection. I want my people to be with me. You needed a savior. "Why did His death have to be so awful?" It needed to be remembered. It needed to be a big deal. It needed to be awful so you would see the great sacrifice it was. You needed to see how great His forgiveness is. "We are such sinners..." Just embrace it.
And that is what I got. I am so thankful that I did, because I was really upset. I am trying to embrace my grace more. On Sunday, the pastor also said something to the effect of "This is not about us. We are not worthy of His sacrifice, but dwelling on that makes it about us and not Him. He is the one who deserves the glory. It is about Him not us."