God Keeps Breaking Me...

and my love for people.  I am a trusting, honest, wear my heart on my sleeve (most of the time) kind of girl who gets attached to people way to quickly.  Attached meaning I think often of people I have known, whether for a short time or for years, and wonder how they are and what their life is becoming. 

 

I don't really think the attached thing is a good thing.  Maybe that's why I facebook stalk?!?!  Just kidding.  Ok, I'm not.  :)

 

At work yesterday, my heart was broken again because of my easy, quick, attached love for people.  It really is a long, stupid story that probably would mean nothing to most people, but I sat at work for 4 hours on the verge of tears the entire time.  When I first got to work, I had to go to the bathroom and cry and when I left work I cried on the way home.  Basically, one woman, who was my favorite, stabbed me in the back. 

 

I was shocked.  I have said that my job bottom line stinks major big time, but the people made up for it.  I loved the people I worked with.  They made it ok.

 

But, God broke me in that department... again. 

 

Do I think it is wrong to love people?  Absolutely the opposite.  We are commanded to love our brothers and sisters. 

 

Do I think it is wrong to trust people automatically?  Maybe.  I never want to be an untrusting person, who doubts everyone.  I want to trust, but really I need to learn (again and again it seems) that I can only trust God.  He is the only one I can ever fully depend on or expect to be honest. 

 

Do I think it is wrong to get attached to people?  Probaby in the way I do.  I mean I'm not crazy, hahaha, but I really think that I invest too much of my heart into people when I shouldn't be.

 

My whole life I have had relationships break my heart, because we are flawed people.  We are not perfect so our relationships are not.  Our actions and words are not, but God's are. 

 

God is the one who is always there for us.  God is the one who always loves us.  God is the one who never stabs us in the back.  God is the one I should be working toward impressing, loving fully, living for and working for. 

 

So until I get this right in my life, I'm pretty sure He will keep breaking me for Him.


Is there something that God continues to break you of so you strengthen your relationship with Him?

The Blahs! Do You Ever Just Feel...

...like you want a total life redo?  Or at least a chance to do what you want now?  I am just blah.  Seriously.  Seriously.  Blah. 

 

I think my hormones are doing a crazy number on me.  I am not one to blame emotions or actions on hormones, but right now I am.  I am an emotional person normally, but I am beyond that at this point.  I have been crying at the drop of anything. I just want to sleep but I also just want to go on a long trip or read all day.  I guess I just want to get away with Mike and Kass.  I've been really moody.  I have zerrrooo motivation.  I cannot get beyond my huge to-do list and it is overwhelming me.  I have been taking everything so personally to the point that I can name 4 people who are friends and family that I feel are really mad at me for some reason... maybe that isn't in my crazy head.

 

For a little more than a week I've been feeling like this. 

 

Things are just not going how I want them to be.... schooling K, my house being unpacked and organized, everything. 

 

I just want to move away with my wonderful husband and stubborn, loving daughter.  Literally, I want to move... and did you catch the part that I haven't even unpacked here?  We've been here for 3 months and I love this house, I really do, but it's not where I want to be living.  If we could just pick up our house and move it that would be awesome.  I love, love, love Texas and the people here, but I really want to move much farther north.  I want cooler weather and I want snow.  I'm the opposite of those people who get the winter blues.  I get the not fall/winter blues.  Luckily, it is almost fall.

 

I used to be a Beauty Consultant with Mary Kay.  Yep, I did.  That is one awesome company, by the way.  Anyways, we used to say that we wanted to add busy women to our team.  Busy women?  Yes, because they know how to get things done.  Think about it for a while.  Busy women get things done.  Because they have to. 

 

Part of my problem for years has been that I do not have enough to do.  You'd think that I did seeing the above statements and problems, but I don't in a different way.  I want to be a mom who is there for her children and I truly believe moms need to be home (most of the time). 

 

But, I feel like I am missing some things because I don't work, because I don't have a church that feels like home, because I don't have any friends or family here that live anywhere close to how we do. 

 

I long for the drive... the challenges... the deadlines... the competition.... the purpose... the passion... the the creativity... the sense of community.  

 

If I had more kids and more commitments/obligations I think that some of those holes would be filled and it sounds absolutely horrible as if my daughter and husband are not enough.  That is my struggle.  They are.  It's what God has given me at this time and I am so very thankful.

 

I am just not filling those holes with what I should be and I need to find ways to fill the others.  So, we are done with school this week.  I'm going to try and get some motivation and some ideas and some goals and some plans that I can be excited about. 

 

I'm going to be praying to get over my blahs and have some divine inspiration! 

 

 

Do you get the blahs?  How do you get over them?   

 

 

 

 

One Thing My Husband Got Out Of Church

We went to church on Sunday for the first time in a long time. 

 

It was great.  And of course I want to jump right into that church but I am trying to dip a pinky toe barely in because we still have 6+ more to check out!

 

Anyways....  I don't really remember what exactly the pastor said when he started with a prayer-something about asking for forgiveness or forgiving (like always).  All of a sudden, deep inside and I felt the Holy Spirit lead me to the idea that I often make Mike practically beg for forgiveness. 

 

I forgive quickly.  It's always been a gift, I guess.  I don't really hold grudges, although I will end relationships that continue needing serious forgiveness.  You apologize and it's over.  You don't apologize and I still "understand" that you are human and meant to and it's over.  haha!

 

But... sometimes I want to know that Mike is so truly sorry for something and it's usually not all that important.  We get along 99.9% of the time, but when he has hurt my feelings I want an apology.  I hate, hate, hate, hate insincere apologies, actually all insincerity.  So for some reason until I feel like Mike is truly sorry, has learned his lesson and won't do it again, I don't let it go.  I don't forgive.  I won't drop it! 

 

You know the 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman?  He also has set up The 5 Languages of Apology.  (You can take the quiz here!)  Btw, I am mostly A Words of Affirmation girl... no surprise with this story, right?  My Language of Apology is a tie between Expressing Regret and Requesting Forgiveness.  The two things I want my husband to do and he doesn't really do them willingly or easily so I nag and pout and drag things out until he says every single thing to make me get over it.  And then I'm fine. 

 

So ridiculous!

 

I felt, on Sunday, that I should knock it off and I saw myself before God with Him doing the same thing I do to Mike!  Wow!  I am such a sinner... an awful sinner and so undeserving of God's grace and how dare I not forgive anyone right away, especially my husband.  It is so easy, like I said, to forgive others, but the ones closest to me, especially my husband, take a little more effort.  Maybe because I expect more from him?  For whatever reason, I want God to expect lots from me and I want to fulfill so many of those expectations, of course, I won't even come close to being good enough, but I want forgiveness when I don't come close, as Mike doesn't always come close either.  I can start forgiving my husband right away the way I want God to forgive me!

 

I think it is super important to know one another's languages.  They are soo helpful!

 

 

 

Do you and your husband share the same languages?  Have you ever taken the Apology quiz? 

Promises

You like to break promises?  Come see me.  You know someone who does?  Send them my way.  I must just give off the vibe that I like truly love people who break their promises. 

It has been a hard morning.  Sigh.  I have forgiven and come to peace with my life up to this point.  I am good.  I hold no grudges and I truly, deep down accept the things in my past.  That doesn't mean that I sometimes don't feel broken because of those things.  That doesn't mean that when new cracks come I don't remember how badly all of those other cracks and chips hurt.  Today I feel broken.

When I say this I am being completely honest and I could give specific details as to why I feel the way I do but that doesn't matter... every single person in my life who has ever had the opportunity to break their promises they made to me has.  Every single person in my life who has ever had the opportunity to stab me in the back has.  And I'm not exagerating by any means. 

Promises to love me unconditionally...   to support me when no one else will... to always be there for me no matter what...  all broken at every opportunity

Promises to rescue me, to save me and to love me... broken

Promises to keep my secrets... broken and thrown in my face

Promises that you would accept me for me... broken

Promises that things would change....  that issues would be dealt with.... compromises would be made... broken, broken, broken

Promises that were specifically made on specific issues... not only broken but disregarded as never even real

Yes, every person in my life, given the opportunity to stand with me, has chosen to break my heart.  And when a new opportunity presents itself I don't expect anything different.   

Besides feeling completely broken, it leaves me feeling stupid.  Stupid for loving.  Loving anyone enough to open myself up to the opportunity to be hurt... one more time.  That's my problem. 

 I love too much, too easily and too deeply. 

You want me to love you?  I will.  You know someone who wants to be loved without conditions?  No problem.  Only it is a problem.  Because I keep giving and never once have I ever felt like I was truly receiving.  Writing that even makes me feel like maybe I am unlovable.  I must be, right?  And so I cry and my heart crumbles a little more. 

We are called to love.  I can do that.  It comes so easily and naturally for me.  But how do I keep myself from breaking?  I don't know.  If I try to guard my heart I become a cold person.  I can shut off my love just as quickly as I can turn it on.  I can become numb and not allow myself to feel the hurt.  I have done it before and I'm not such a nice person when I do that.  I don't have to be awful, although I can definitely take that role on, but I just am there.  I don't fully trust anyone.  At all.  Even when my guard is down I have learned that there is no person that I can ever deep down in my gut trust with all of me.  Have I tried to trust like that?  Of course.  Children are born with that trust.  We grow up longing for it.  We marry expecting it.  I've just learned that I can't expect that from anyone.  When I put my guard up there is nothing I expect from you or even want from you.  It is so lonely feeling that way.  And for me if I feel alone I want nothing more than to be alone. 

The only thing that always keeps me going is my God.  My whole life He is the only one who I have ever given it all to.  He is the only one who has and maybe ever will truly love me for me.  He is the only one who can and does make promises that cannot be broken.  So I break because of people.  Imperfect people.  I get that, which is why I have forgiveness and hold no grudges.  And my brokenness brings me closer to God, which is wonderful. 

I guess the only way I can keep living, loving and trusting (somewhat) is to just live to glorify God, love God above all else and trust that He is always here for me, has a grand plan for me, will never break His promises.  I also need to trust that however broken I may be He can always fix me and make me even stronger.