Thursday, June 16, 2011


You like to break promises?  Come see me.  You know someone who does?  Send them my way.  I must just give off the vibe that I like truly love people who break their promises. 

It has been a hard morning.  Sigh.  I have forgiven and come to peace with my life up to this point.  I am good.  I hold no grudges and I truly, deep down accept the things in my past.  That doesn't mean that I sometimes don't feel broken because of those things.  That doesn't mean that when new cracks come I don't remember how badly all of those other cracks and chips hurt.  Today I feel broken.

When I say this I am being completely honest and I could give specific details as to why I feel the way I do but that doesn't matter... every single person in my life who has ever had the opportunity to break their promises they made to me has.  Every single person in my life who has ever had the opportunity to stab me in the back has.  And I'm not exagerating by any means. 

Promises to love me unconditionally...   to support me when no one else will... to always be there for me no matter what...  all broken at every opportunity

Promises to rescue me, to save me and to love me... broken

Promises to keep my secrets... broken and thrown in my face

Promises that you would accept me for me... broken

Promises that things would change....  that issues would be dealt with.... compromises would be made... broken, broken, broken

Promises that were specifically made on specific issues... not only broken but disregarded as never even real

Yes, every person in my life, given the opportunity to stand with me, has chosen to break my heart.  And when a new opportunity presents itself I don't expect anything different.   

Besides feeling completely broken, it leaves me feeling stupid.  Stupid for loving.  Loving anyone enough to open myself up to the opportunity to be hurt... one more time.  That's my problem. 

 I love too much, too easily and too deeply. 

You want me to love you?  I will.  You know someone who wants to be loved without conditions?  No problem.  Only it is a problem.  Because I keep giving and never once have I ever felt like I was truly receiving.  Writing that even makes me feel like maybe I am unlovable.  I must be, right?  And so I cry and my heart crumbles a little more. 

We are called to love.  I can do that.  It comes so easily and naturally for me.  But how do I keep myself from breaking?  I don't know.  If I try to guard my heart I become a cold person.  I can shut off my love just as quickly as I can turn it on.  I can become numb and not allow myself to feel the hurt.  I have done it before and I'm not such a nice person when I do that.  I don't have to be awful, although I can definitely take that role on, but I just am there.  I don't fully trust anyone.  At all.  Even when my guard is down I have learned that there is no person that I can ever deep down in my gut trust with all of me.  Have I tried to trust like that?  Of course.  Children are born with that trust.  We grow up longing for it.  We marry expecting it.  I've just learned that I can't expect that from anyone.  When I put my guard up there is nothing I expect from you or even want from you.  It is so lonely feeling that way.  And for me if I feel alone I want nothing more than to be alone. 

The only thing that always keeps me going is my God.  My whole life He is the only one who I have ever given it all to.  He is the only one who has and maybe ever will truly love me for me.  He is the only one who can and does make promises that cannot be broken.  So I break because of people.  Imperfect people.  I get that, which is why I have forgiveness and hold no grudges.  And my brokenness brings me closer to God, which is wonderful. 

I guess the only way I can keep living, loving and trusting (somewhat) is to just live to glorify God, love God above all else and trust that He is always here for me, has a grand plan for me, will never break His promises.  I also need to trust that however broken I may be He can always fix me and make me even stronger.  

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