So tonight on my way home from dropping off my sweet little sister a thought popped in my head... first I would like to say that I am a driver. I could drive all day and all night. I often get caught up in my thoughts while driving and completely miss my exits. I have often thought of being a professional truck driver which really cracks me up. I love driving except for when I hate it... another thing about me is my extremeness. My point being that when I drive I think... usually alot. So back to my thought/realization...
There has been some serious doubting in my head lately and tonight, out of nowhere, it was as clear as it could be that it is coming from the devil. He wants to make me doubt myself, God, my family and my beliefs. You might think I'm crazy but that's where I believe alot of our self-doubting and Jesus-doubting and negativity comes from.
We are working towards fostering to adopt. The process is long... soo much longer than I would like but hopefully not too much longer. Here is what has been going through my head and hurting my heart lately:
Do you not see how dysfunctional your family is?
How could you ever even think that your home is somewhere to raise any children?
Your family is not a good example for any child.
And you want to bring another one in?
Your house is nowhere near what it should be.
You will just screw up that child in your own way.
You cannot even handle what you have now.
Even just reading those makes me sad. My family is not perfect. We are not the picture perfect Christian family at all. We each have our quirks and we each know how to push eachother's buttons. But, we have so much love. So much to give. I dream about being able to love another child as much as I love K. I dream about my husband being the best father figure any child will/might have. I dream about showing my kids (bio/foster/adopted) what a mother's unconditional love looks like. I dream about laughing, crying, playing, learning, coloring, cooking, swimming, making messes, cleaning up messes, smiling and sharing our family's love for God with any children in our home. I believe that we are pretty good parents and I believe that we are meant to do this. It is so easy for me to envision more kids in my house for me to love, teach, mentor, care for and discipline (maybe that one sounds funny but I don't believe there are any children anywhere who need to live without rules, after all who wants to be around an adult who grew up with no boundaries- not me!).
The thoughts that creep into my head are not from my heart or my even head really. I thought that they were coming from some deep part inside of me to warn me or show me something but all they do is cause me to stress out, pick fights with my husband and doubt our family's love and strong, committed bond. I will no longer let those thoughts occupy more than half a second in my head.
Throughout this whole process we have had a crazy amount of little (and big) miracles happen. I wish I would have written them down so I would never forget. Even with them though I realize how strong my humanness is- my fear, my insecurities, my doubts, my worry. An amazing verse that was found amazingly is one that I am telling myself many times daily and is definitely one of the things that has kept me going.
"He will have no fear of bad news; his heart is fixed, for his hope is in the Lord." Psalm 112:7
I still work on trusting in God that this will happen for our family and if it doesn't I am trusting that He has something better and more glorifying (for Him) for us and that He will mend our broken hearts, especially the heart of our daughter who cannot wait for siblings.