While I was looking at you tube videos of late term miscarriages, I realized they all referred to their babies as being born sleeping. I'm not sure how I feel about that saying, but it is nicer than saying Our Dead Baby Birth Story. So much of me is matter of fact and I'm a very open person. Sooo... the other part of my title is better and also so very true. The absolute worst day of our lives could not have gone any better.
We arrived at the hospital bright and early on Monday morning (almost 4 weeks ago). When we got to the maternity ward, I was still really upset that I was there to deliver my dead baby that I would not be able to take home or love on or squeeze or nurse or watch grow up, while every other door held women who would get to do those things with their baby.
No one had told me what to expect or what was going on. All I knew was that I would be told my options by the dr and would hopefully be able to deliver our baby so we could see and hold her.
We went to our room, which was very nice, and soon met our nurse. I haven't cried about this post until now -thinking about how my 2 nurses were my angels for the day. Actually, I had several. My nurses, the dr and the hospital pastor (I'm totally blanking on his actual title). My day would have been so different if it weren't for them and they will always have a special place in my heart.
The nurse helped alot. She answered questions and actually seemed like she didn't mind sitting and talking with us. I had lots of questions one of them being whether I could just have a repeat c-section, lol. It kind of cracks me up now, but at the time I was so serious. Right behind the d&c, actually having to feel Paisley come out was my worst nightmare. I did not want to remember feeling this lifeless body, which used to hold my little baby, coming out. My nurse did tell me that I would most likely be having a d&c after I delivered because the placenta almost never comes out on its own during this situation. She also said that labor would most likely last at least 24 hours and sometimes could last days.
Did I mention that we were moving or trying to move at this time? We found out the Friday before, which was the same day as finding out about Paisley, that our loan wouldn't close on the 1st like it was supposed to. Then, over the weekend we found out that there was 3 people above our loan all waiting to close on their houses once we did. A huge trickle effect that was waiting for us. We found out that the other people were not willing to wait for us and we would probably lose the house. Anddd... we had to be out of our house on the 6th, which was a lucky extention from the man we sold to, who actually sold to us. If we had to move in between the 1st and 6th it would mean hundreds of more dollars for us. My poor husband was so stressed out with this also during this whole time. I, on the other hand, couldn't care less. I was sooo not interested in any house stuff, my life felt like it had been crushed with our Paisley. PS. we got the house and moved in on the 5th!
So the midwife came in and told me that the dr would probably stress just having a d&c. I prepared myself for that and when the dr came in, he was awesome. He is super quarky and kind of nerdy, but very caring and intelligent. He is great and definitely my new dr! The dr was all for me trying to deliver, but was pretty sure I would need a d&c to get the placenta out. He did another ultrasound just to make sure on things. The dates people had were all kinds of messed up. He said she looked like she died at about 13 weeks. I told him that we saw her at 15 and heard her heartbeat and I felt her after that. It didn't really matter... it would only matter because of the size she would be. Definitely not a 17 week old baby.
I'm so glad he did an ultrasound. I was going to ask for one if he hadn't suggested it. My poor Kassidy had been praying and praying that God would give Paisley a new heart to beat. (Talk about breaking my heart even more!) We knew and know that God could do that. He is God and can do all, but it was hard to let Kassidy even have that little hope that her little sister would have a new heart by Monday. Kassidy really thought God might actually give her one and she was so worried that we would just kill Paisley by making her come out so early since K knew that babies don't live outside of their mothers that early. We promised Kass that we would do a sono before so that we could see if she had come back to life. I think that some part of me actually hoped that maybe somehow miraculously this was all just a little trick... that somehow she just had some ability to stop her heart for a bit and start it right back up and we would see that heartbeat just pumping away.
He started me on the highest dose of whatever drug it is... cytotec I think. And the cramping began. It was a constant cramping... I mean it never went away. Then the contractions started along with the cramping. The contractions were about 2 minutes apart and lasted about 1 minute. The morning went smoothly, but it was hard not to think that I was going through all this and wouldn't get to take my baby home....