While I was looking at you tube videos of late term miscarriages, I realized they all referred to their babies as being born sleeping. I'm not sure how I feel about that saying, but it is nicer than saying Our Dead Baby Birth Story. So much of me is matter of fact and I'm a very open person. Sooo... the other part of my title is better and also so very true. The absolute worst day of our lives could not have gone any better.
We arrived at the hospital bright and early on Monday morning (almost 4 weeks ago). When we got to the maternity ward, I was still really upset that I was there to deliver my dead baby that I would not be able to take home or love on or squeeze or nurse or watch grow up, while every other door held women who would get to do those things with their baby.
No one had told me what to expect or what was going on. All I knew was that I would be told my options by the dr and would hopefully be able to deliver our baby so we could see and hold her.
We went to our room, which was very nice, and soon met our nurse. I haven't cried about this post until now -thinking about how my 2 nurses were my angels for the day. Actually, I had several. My nurses, the dr and the hospital pastor (I'm totally blanking on his actual title). My day would have been so different if it weren't for them and they will always have a special place in my heart.
The nurse helped alot. She answered questions and actually seemed like she didn't mind sitting and talking with us. I had lots of questions one of them being whether I could just have a repeat c-section, lol. It kind of cracks me up now, but at the time I was so serious. Right behind the d&c, actually having to feel Paisley come out was my worst nightmare. I did not want to remember feeling this lifeless body, which used to hold my little baby, coming out. My nurse did tell me that I would most likely be having a d&c after I delivered because the placenta almost never comes out on its own during this situation. She also said that labor would most likely last at least 24 hours and sometimes could last days.
Did I mention that we were moving or trying to move at this time? We found out the Friday before, which was the same day as finding out about Paisley, that our loan wouldn't close on the 1st like it was supposed to. Then, over the weekend we found out that there was 3 people above our loan all waiting to close on their houses once we did. A huge trickle effect that was waiting for us. We found out that the other people were not willing to wait for us and we would probably lose the house. Anddd... we had to be out of our house on the 6th, which was a lucky extention from the man we sold to, who actually sold to us. If we had to move in between the 1st and 6th it would mean hundreds of more dollars for us. My poor husband was so stressed out with this also during this whole time. I, on the other hand, couldn't care less. I was sooo not interested in any house stuff, my life felt like it had been crushed with our Paisley. PS. we got the house and moved in on the 5th!
So the midwife came in and told me that the dr would probably stress just having a d&c. I prepared myself for that and when the dr came in, he was awesome. He is super quarky and kind of nerdy, but very caring and intelligent. He is great and definitely my new dr! The dr was all for me trying to deliver, but was pretty sure I would need a d&c to get the placenta out. He did another ultrasound just to make sure on things. The dates people had were all kinds of messed up. He said she looked like she died at about 13 weeks. I told him that we saw her at 15 and heard her heartbeat and I felt her after that. It didn't really matter... it would only matter because of the size she would be. Definitely not a 17 week old baby.
I'm so glad he did an ultrasound. I was going to ask for one if he hadn't suggested it. My poor Kassidy had been praying and praying that God would give Paisley a new heart to beat. (Talk about breaking my heart even more!) We knew and know that God could do that. He is God and can do all, but it was hard to let Kassidy even have that little hope that her little sister would have a new heart by Monday. Kassidy really thought God might actually give her one and she was so worried that we would just kill Paisley by making her come out so early since K knew that babies don't live outside of their mothers that early. We promised Kass that we would do a sono before so that we could see if she had come back to life. I think that some part of me actually hoped that maybe somehow miraculously this was all just a little trick... that somehow she just had some ability to stop her heart for a bit and start it right back up and we would see that heartbeat just pumping away.
He started me on the highest dose of whatever drug it is... cytotec I think. And the cramping began. It was a constant cramping... I mean it never went away. Then the contractions started along with the cramping. The contractions were about 2 minutes apart and lasted about 1 minute. The morning went smoothly, but it was hard not to think that I was going through all this and wouldn't get to take my baby home....
Sunday, June 24, 2012
Friday, June 22, 2012
Having My Baby Inside Me While Miscarrying
She had no heartbeat. Our baby is dead. She is up in Heaven with God, yet here still in my stomach.
That was all I could write when she was actually still inside me, before we went to the hospital. Today, I feel like writing. Monday will be a month and I am just now really ready.
Having Paisley still inside me was such a range of emotions. Unless you have been there you will probably not understand and even if you have been there my feelings might seem crazy still.
I was heartbroken. I was devastated. I was angry. I was confused. I was hurting for my husband and daughter. I felt responsible. I was ashamed. I was pretty upset with God. I was also furious and disgusted with my body. I knew it was not my fault, but like I've said before when it comes to bearing children I do not think that anything else could be more instinctual for women or at least me. It feels like something I should just be able to do.... bear a healthy, full-term, chunky baby. Not have one die inside of me- while I am on watch. I awe at what our bodies do during childbirth and the 9 months before and my body failed me or so I felt/still feel sometimes.
We found out on Friday that she had died and had to wait until Monday before I went to the hospital to have her taken out, either through a d&c or d&e (I don't know the difference) or through labor. Waiting those 3 days was a huge blessing, but I didn't always see it as such. Throughout the weekend, there were times when I felt so grateful to just have her near me for a little bit longer. I would have taken any extra time I had to have her so close. There were other times that I was so ready to have her so I could not be pregnant any more. Who wants to be pregnant with a dead baby? We left the house a few times and I just knew that my first "Oh when are you due?" would come and in my emotional state I know I would have answered something to the effect of, "Well we found out she is dead, but she would have been due in November." Looking in the mirror was probably the worst thing. I could see my body changing to make room for my baby and I hated it.
We decided that we would try and labor with her. I did not want a d&c, at all. I had a c-section with Kassidy after 23 hours of labor and that was almost 9 years ago. I was definitely nervous that I would not be able to do it. That somehow my body would fail me again and drop the ball on another dream. I knew I wanted to hold her. Mike wasn't sure he wanted to even see her, let alone hold her. He didn't really see much the day of the ultrasound when we found out. Before then, especially with the level 2 sono machine, he (we) could see everything so clearly. For him it was a blessing that he was somehow unable to make anything out that day. I, on the other hand, saw her laying there, lifeless and I hate that memory. So Mike wanted to remember Paisley with her little uncooperative, active, spunky attitude she had in the other sonos.
We truly believed that she was no longer in her body. It wasn't her in there, which was another reason having her in me for 3 days was hard. Even though we did not "care" about her body we did not want it butchered up like they would do in a d&c. It seemed like a respect thing. She was still our child and that was her little house while she was on earth. Holding her would also give me a closure that I really think I needed. While you are pregnant, or at least while I am, it seems so unbelievable that there is actually a child in there. A human being. Inside you?!? It seems crazy to me. Of course, logically, I get it. I saw her 4 times I think on sonos and felt her moving, but it really just blows my mind that a baby actually comes out. Haha. Soo... Iwanted needed to see that little baby. Maybe in some weird way to justify that she actually existed.
I looked up you tube videos of late term miscarriages. I wanted to prepare myself for what she might look like. I also talked with my dear friend who told me all about her experience a few years ago with the same thing. She labored, held her baby, and had to have a d&c to get the placenta out, which I read was the most likely thing to happen.
I have always wanted my whole body donated to science. Like I said, bodies aren't really important to me and burying people seems like such a waste for so many reasons. I called several places to see if they would want Paisley's body. Did you know that no one takes children under 18? How crazy is that? I would think that people would love to study a dead child or dead baby, especially one that was so little, but nope they don't. So we had to decide what to do with her body. We didn't really decide until Monday morning.
That was all I could write when she was actually still inside me, before we went to the hospital. Today, I feel like writing. Monday will be a month and I am just now really ready.
Having Paisley still inside me was such a range of emotions. Unless you have been there you will probably not understand and even if you have been there my feelings might seem crazy still.
I was heartbroken. I was devastated. I was angry. I was confused. I was hurting for my husband and daughter. I felt responsible. I was ashamed. I was pretty upset with God. I was also furious and disgusted with my body. I knew it was not my fault, but like I've said before when it comes to bearing children I do not think that anything else could be more instinctual for women or at least me. It feels like something I should just be able to do.... bear a healthy, full-term, chunky baby. Not have one die inside of me- while I am on watch. I awe at what our bodies do during childbirth and the 9 months before and my body failed me or so I felt/still feel sometimes.
We found out on Friday that she had died and had to wait until Monday before I went to the hospital to have her taken out, either through a d&c or d&e (I don't know the difference) or through labor. Waiting those 3 days was a huge blessing, but I didn't always see it as such. Throughout the weekend, there were times when I felt so grateful to just have her near me for a little bit longer. I would have taken any extra time I had to have her so close. There were other times that I was so ready to have her so I could not be pregnant any more. Who wants to be pregnant with a dead baby? We left the house a few times and I just knew that my first "Oh when are you due?" would come and in my emotional state I know I would have answered something to the effect of, "Well we found out she is dead, but she would have been due in November." Looking in the mirror was probably the worst thing. I could see my body changing to make room for my baby and I hated it.
We decided that we would try and labor with her. I did not want a d&c, at all. I had a c-section with Kassidy after 23 hours of labor and that was almost 9 years ago. I was definitely nervous that I would not be able to do it. That somehow my body would fail me again and drop the ball on another dream. I knew I wanted to hold her. Mike wasn't sure he wanted to even see her, let alone hold her. He didn't really see much the day of the ultrasound when we found out. Before then, especially with the level 2 sono machine, he (we) could see everything so clearly. For him it was a blessing that he was somehow unable to make anything out that day. I, on the other hand, saw her laying there, lifeless and I hate that memory. So Mike wanted to remember Paisley with her little uncooperative, active, spunky attitude she had in the other sonos.
We truly believed that she was no longer in her body. It wasn't her in there, which was another reason having her in me for 3 days was hard. Even though we did not "care" about her body we did not want it butchered up like they would do in a d&c. It seemed like a respect thing. She was still our child and that was her little house while she was on earth. Holding her would also give me a closure that I really think I needed. While you are pregnant, or at least while I am, it seems so unbelievable that there is actually a child in there. A human being. Inside you?!? It seems crazy to me. Of course, logically, I get it. I saw her 4 times I think on sonos and felt her moving, but it really just blows my mind that a baby actually comes out. Haha. Soo... I
I looked up you tube videos of late term miscarriages. I wanted to prepare myself for what she might look like. I also talked with my dear friend who told me all about her experience a few years ago with the same thing. She labored, held her baby, and had to have a d&c to get the placenta out, which I read was the most likely thing to happen.
I have always wanted my whole body donated to science. Like I said, bodies aren't really important to me and burying people seems like such a waste for so many reasons. I called several places to see if they would want Paisley's body. Did you know that no one takes children under 18? How crazy is that? I would think that people would love to study a dead child or dead baby, especially one that was so little, but nope they don't. So we had to decide what to do with her body. We didn't really decide until Monday morning.
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