Let me give you a little back story for my most recent smack...
I grew up being skinny, not at all like a stick, just with a great metabolism and nice size 2-4 jeans. The number on the scales was always more than most people thought though and when I was a size 4 I weighed about 135. I'm only 5'4 (and a half... haha). Now this part is hard for me to share with people who are not complete strangers. Don't you sometimes find that it's easier to share things with strangers than it is to share with people you really know? I do. When I was 15 my relationship with food changed forever.
Things in my life would happen and I would cry soo hard and be so upset that I would get nauseous. One day, I just allowed myself to throw up instead of trying to hold it in (I mean who likes to throw up?). Wow. It felt great once I had nothing left inside. It was such a strange feeling of control, when I felt like I had absolutely none. And if I was going to throw up then why not eat everything in sight beforehand? Right? So I did, which I much later realized was called binging. So I would binge and purge. Binge and purge. Even now, I can remember how empowering that feeling of control was. I did this for about 5-6 months and did lose about 15ish pounds. Not much, but I did also eat. It was not about losing weight for me. Ever. It was about control.
I moved from Ca where I lived with my mom to live with my dad in Tx right before I turned 16. I quit binging and purging cold turkey and there was not a single issue with quiting. Except.... that I had completely screwed my body and mind up when it came to my relationship with food. Completely. To this day (8 years later), I still cannot cough after I eat without my body wanting to throw up. I can barely put anything (spoon, fork, pen, etc) in my mouth while I'm eating or after I'm done eating for the same reason.
Then, I got pregnant at 17 and gained 65 pounds, lost it all but 4 pounds at my 4 week check up and was almost back to normal (minus the nice unstretch-marked, unflabby tummy, of course!). I had an IUD put in and gained literally 5 pounds a week for about 6 weeks... and even after I got the IUD out I kept gaining weight, slowly but surely.
I hate calling my previous issue with food bulemia because... I don't really know why... partly because I know I didn't have it nearly as bad as other bulemics... partly because my issue was not really with food (although it totally was at the same time)... I don't know. But now my issue is totally with food. I hate being overweight. Hate it. I was not made to be overweight and I really don't think anybody is. I am also not made to be 100 pounds.
I am pretty much an all or nothing kind of girl in about 90% of the things I do. When I start cleaning I want to clean up every single piece of dirt, even though I don't get much accomplished when I do that because who can clean everything? When I've had a "real" job, I've noticed that I can become a workaholic. And why would I want to do part of my homework (when I was in school) or housework every day when I could just get it all done in one night... one whole entire night. Yes, part of that is procrastination and part of it is that when I start something I just like to finish it all then. Why drag it out? I just don't like to do anything, nor do I like when other people do things, halfway. At all. Why do something if you aren't going to go all the way? Those philosophies are not always the best to have I know, but often times it is good.
Back to food... this is what my attitude towards food has been for the last 7ish years: If I am not on a diet (which will start Monday) then why not eat this or drink that? And since I am going to start that super serious hardcore diet/lifestyle change on Monday then why not have that one last dr.pepper? Guess what I have right now that I am trying to savor my last sips of?!?! Ding, ding ding!! A dr.p! And yes I have actually had my last one be my last one for a lonnggg time. It is when I have allowed one to creep back in as a once in a while thing that it becomes more of a constant than a once in a while.
I have gained and lost and gained and lost and gained around 400 pounds over the last 7ish years. Maybe more. When I am doing "well" I am really probably not being as healthy as I should be. I eat very little and usually exercise alot, but boy do I get those pounds off! Thinking that it might take me a year to lose the weight I want to lose seems absurd. Absurd. Why would I take that long when I could just suck it up and work really hard for a couple months? That's my mentality.
So lately and maybe you all would have realized this years ago... but I realize that I have still been binging and purging. Mostly binging till my next big get-serious plan...the one that I actually follow through with. And no I do not purge, like in throw up, anymore. To be honest, I have probably about 10 times in the last 9 years and yes, it was about weight when I did it.
Bottom line: I need to get healthy.
I do not want to focus on the scale, although that is a good tool to measure success. I want to feel
My smack in the face: Candace Cameron Bure's Reshaping It All. Total side note but: I have probably seen every single episode of Full House. Literally. It is such a great show. Great lessons from usually respectful kids in a loving family. My daughter is now watching it when she gets the chance and although she wouldn't be allowed to watch the later episodes when they are all teenagers, I love that she gets to watch the same great show. I am going to go buy Cameron's book in the morning and start reading it right away. There is now an online support group for the book!! I am SOOOO excited!! Her book talks about her relationship with food (I guess she also did some binging and purging) and how to break the cycle of having really awful relationships with food. Exactly what I need from someone who I love! Candace is a very strong Christian and also discusses the relationship between us, food, and God. I think God is the other key to all of this... what isn't He the key of?!?! I have felt lately like I am not honoring God with my food/health habits. I know I am not and I so want to be (and will be)! I have never tried to invite Him into my journey/struggle with this and I am going to focus on doing just that! I can't wait!!
If you have had a bad relationship with food, I
HERE'S WHERE YOU COME IN: Every Sunday night I am going to post my goals for the week and also share how I did the previous week, also noting any good tips/hints/etc from Reshaping It All. I would love for you to share also!! I will definitely check it out and leave some encouraging words!!!
My Week 1 Goals:
-take my vitamins every day
-walk for a min. of 20 minutes for at least 4 days
-spend 20 mins min. quiet time with God every day
-eat slower trying to feel when I am actually hungry
Share Your Goals/Struggles/Accomplishments!!
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